You see...Yesterday was Youth Day at the congregation where we attend. A day that celebrated our youth by letting them take over the worship duties of singing, speaking, praying, leading singing...
It was a beautiful thing!
So, you are probably wondering what could be wrong with that.
Well, I've been getting into my own head lately. Sometimes I simply think too much.
As I watched those precious young people making their parents so proud, I felt a twinge of loss.
I was active in church from a very early age. I led youth services as the regular teacher before I graduated high school. I attended a Christian college. I worked as a youth/children's director for awhile. I was the one planning VBS, Christian convention trips, dramatic programs, concert trips, youth rallies, youth days and all sorts of activities for the youth of my home congregation. Working with kids was something that was natural to me and filled my heart. As I got older, I dreamed of sharing these activities with my own kids.
Unfortunately, when my oldest daughter was a teenager, the opportunities didn't exist. Fortunately, I had shared memories (such as teen conventions) earlier in her life because I took her with me everywhere I went.
Then my youngest daughter came along. With several years between the two girls, things were different. We were no longer attending services at my home congregation. We had a new home. :)
At first I struggled to find a place. Then I taught the transitional (between classes and worship) children's lesson. I had found something that I could do. I found something that made me feel like I was working for the Lord not just warming a pew.
However, my joy was dampened after awhile by the fact that my sweet daughter wasn't bonding with the other children. She didn't seem happy. I struggled to balance my joy and love of teaching children with my concern over my own child. My mounting concerns eventually took their toll and I resigned my position in order to focus on being a Christian mom to my own child who I could see was struggling.
I encouraged her to participate in youth activities. I worked to help her feel more comfortable. I was failing.
Not only was I now not involved or bonding with the youth of our congregation, I wasn't even bonding with my own child. I felt like a total and complete failure on all levels.
Then my research led me to autism spectrum disorder...specifically, Asperger's syndrome.
Using techniques that I had learned from a doctor and researching like crazy, I began to develop that bond with my daughter that I was missing. I was thrilled! There are always ups and downs but I try to concentrate on the positive no matter what.
Back to Youth Day...
Today as I watched the youth, I felt a twinge of loss...a loss of that dream that I had of being that amazing Christian mom who sang specials with my daughters, chaperoned youth trips, shared my love of drama through skits, etc. I wanted that dream. I wanted to be that mom who knew the joy of sharing in their child's adventures in Christianity the conventional way I had pictured in my head...But wait!
Here is where my motherhood and Christianity collide. Here is where the idea in my head meets the reality of where I am. Here is where I wonder what it would have felt like to live my dream. Here is where I realize that I'm not following the pattern in my head but rather I'm blazing a new path seeking Him! (Ok...Maybe "blazing" is too strong of a word but it sounds more powerful than "stumbling through"...and "blazing" certainly lifts my spirits more. :) ) It wasn't that I was feeling loss in the sense of not having something but rather I was feeling lost in that I wondered where we fit in.
I may not be THAT mom (the one in my head), but I am still a Mom who loves Christ. I am still a Mom who desires to set that good example for my kids. I am still a Mom who loves, prays for and teaches my kids what is right. I'm the Mom who loses sleep so I can make sure that my family is safely tucked in before I close my eyes. I am the Mom who sacrificed my dreams of a photography career in order to be a special education home school teacher. I am the Mom who has studied so hard (and continues to study) to help my child that sometimes I feel that I should have an extra college degree! I am the Mom who doesn't give up trying to explain spiritual things to a child who sees everything so literal. I am the Mom who will keep looking to find opportunities where I can share Christian activities with my child in a way that lets her be who she is so that I don't turn her away from Him.
I am the Mom who worked for weeks preparing my daughter for VBS this summer.
For a period of time I got to see this smile...
and my girl participating in activities (and even winning a game of balloon toss)...
Before I saw my girl, go back into herself...
And I realized how much effort that she had put into that day...
I am the Mom who will keep trying.
I am the Mom who will keep celebrating the victories.
I am the Mom who prays that her twinge of loss can be used
as a spark to be more creative.
I am the Mom who will keep supporting, loving and giving.
I am the Mom who prays that her twinge of loss can be used
as a spark to be more creative.
I am the Mom who will keep supporting, loving and giving.
I am the Mom who is so proud of her girl!
I am that Mom!
So, please forgive me when I sometimes am struck with a feeling of loss and don't misunderstand my feelings as anything negative. I absolutely wouldn't trade my life now for what was my dream. It isn't that I've lost anything...I've gained so much! It's just that sometimes in some ways I am still searching to find my place and from time to time I feel a little lost.
