From deep down inside my heart, I cried.
For those of us who value that responsibility, the burdens of motherhood are sometimes heavy.
When my first child was born, I was young and nervous. However, once I got past the initial nerves, I felt pretty confident in my parenting skills. After all, she was a lot like me and my parents did a good job!
I, sometimes, had to step out of my comfort zone for beauty pageants and social activities. But, overall, I was pretty comfortable until the rebellious teenage years. And, what parent is comfortable then, right?
Was I perfect? No way. Did I feel like a failure sometimes? Absolutely. But with every failure, there was recovery. I picked myself up and kept on going. I didn’t stay in the pit. I got back up, knowing that I had done my best, and moved on.
Then came my second child. She was always an original...marching to her own special beat even before she was born. :)
She made her appearance a few weeks early. Delivery wasn’t smooth. (I suppose it’s never a good thing to hear the doctor yell, “stat!”) Fortunately, I am here to write this now.
Unfortunately, my new baby girl was struggling to breathe. She was put in an oxygen tent but it wasn’t enough. She needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital with a NICU.
She was born on the Friday before Mother’s Day. I spent Mother’s Day wishing that I could hold my newborn baby. It was tough watching her struggle. Little did I know that this was only the beginning.
Since then, we’ve faced lots of challenges and we continue to overcome obstacles slowly but surely.
During all of this, I have been my child’s biggest advocate…building her up, protecting her, encouraging her and trying my best to teach her by immersing myself in her world.
All that comes with a heavy price, especially when you are a mom AND a perfectionist. You see, perfectionism doesn’t mean that SHE has to be perfect. It means that I have an inner drive telling ME that I must be as perfect as I can, which is probably not perfect enough. My failures are magnified.
In motherhood, that manifests itself a lot in the blame game. What am I doing wrong? How am I failing my child? Why can’t I see the right direction? Why can’t I be better!?
With the testing misdiagnosis, I became quite discouraged as to where to turn for help. I was in the pit.
Fortunately, God put someone in my life who had the knowledge I needed for guidance and someone who was able to gain my trust.
After talking to this person last night for some direction, I woke today feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders…
…And then it hit me like a ton of bricks!! The emotion of relief flooded my eyes with tears. Why was I being so hard on myself?!
(I can’t even write this part without crying…)
For this first time in YEARS, I could stop questioning “Why can‘t I make it better?” and I can see that it is better! I don’t have to feel guilty that I am not doing right and I can see where I am doing right. I can see that instead of questioning why I am not doing more, I can see how much I have done.
The tears fall from deep within…a raw emotional hurting part of my heart. What I asked for was direction. What a got was freedom from a heavy burden!
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| This is a quick snapshot but I thought it was so fitting. We were rushing out the door to get to a 4-H Regional competition but she stopped to draw the roses. How beautiful is that??!! :) |
