I'm currently in the middle of making some pretty dramatic (for me) changes in my life. A lot has changed in the past year. I somehow feel that it has made me a more selfish person...But I think that's a good thing.
Sometimes sacrifice can lead to people not appreciating and/or taking advantage of you. Maybe I'll post more about that later...
The most notable event of my year (and a large part of my life) was the loss of my Granny in September. While the United States was remembering another somber anniversary of a very dark day in US history, I was remembering a wonderful woman who meant so much to my life in so many ways. I was remembering summer vacations at Papaw and Granny's house. I was remembering times when Granny came to the rescue with her generosity even when I never asked. I was remembering a woman who showed the definition of kindness. Even writing this and recalling what a beautiful person that she was, tears roll down my face...I still miss her so badly.
I cry with sadness because I miss her. I cry with happiness because I was so blessed to have her in my life. I cry with hope that I could someday have an ounce of her wonderful spirit. I cry with uncertainty because sometimes I feel so lost. I cry because I have so much emotion that I have to do something.
I bring that up because I think that's a huge reason why I want to make changes in my life. I want to make my life more meaningful. Ever since I was three, my life was about performing for others. I started with singing...then competitions, acting, scholarships, college, acknowledgements, awards, etc. I have trophies, ribbons, certificates, degrees, titles, etc. to my name. Yet, all of those things are only temporary. Their glory soon fades and then a performer is left looking for the next big thing. The constant need to do something more leads to a lot of emptiness when your accomplishments cannot be seen. It leads to a lot of discontent as you always feel the need to prove yourself. Why? Because in your mind that is what defines you.
My Granny wasn't defined by her awards, her job, her titles or anything else. She was defined by her character. The true essence of who she was shined through everything else. Yes, she loved attending high school basketball games with her friends. Yes, she showed her strength as a single mom when her young husband died leaving her with three kids to raise. Yes, she loved her God and her congregation. Yes, she loved her family and helping others. But what was her reward for all of that? She was loved! Sometimes we work too hard trying to prove ourselves to the world that we don't realize that all that stuff is gone so quickly. The people who really care are the people who simply love us. We don't have to impress them. We simply have to return the love. In doing that, we are giving the greatest reward on this earth.
I John 4:18 says "...for God is love."
It's not about the awards, the degrees or any other credit that we can add to our worldly list. It's about being love. If there's one thing that I know about my Granny, she loved! She loved those around her and it showed. She didn't have to impress them. She didn't have to let others take advantage of her. She just loved.
I would love to know how she balanced that with seeming flawlessness. She seemed to always do everything with a flare of ease and elegance. I could use more of her graciousness and beauty.
This post didn't go where it started. But it is what it is...My thoughts at this moment. Me...Real and exposed. It doesn't have to impress or win any awards, right? And that's just fine. :)
This beautiful flower was one of the flowers from my Granny's funeral...It's sweetness brought out more in this photo surrounded by the harsh texture of the lifeless stump.
