Mom-ents

This has been a very emotional weekend for me.

Friday, my little girl turned 11 years old and we celebrated.  Not only was it her birthday but her birthday wish had come true:  Her big sister came to see her.  (We haven't seen her since Christmas time.)  I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed seeing the joy on her face when her sister surprised us.  I cannot tell you the joy that I felt having both of my girls with me. 

I couldn't help but think back to the year that my youngest daughter was born.  She was welcomed into this world on a Friday.  I remember the feel of her warm skin against mine.  I remember the joy of meeting her in person.  I also remember the tension as complications threatened my life.  I also remember the doctor telling us that something was wrong and that she would be transferred to a neonatal unit over an hour away.  I remember the heartbreak of watching my baby leave.  I remember the reluctance of the doctor as he released me against what he would have done otherwise.  I remember the smell of the neonatal unit.  I remember holding to the few moments that we were allowed to see her for the next few days.

I remember Mother's Day.  I remember the hurt of not being able to hold my newborn baby in my arms.  I remember the pain of our family being separated.  I remember the sadness of not being near either of my girls for long enough.

I tried to enjoy every minute of being around my girls this weekend...because I knew that it was limited.  I needed to hold onto that joy.

I remember being a young mom and holding my babies.  I remember how being a mother was the best thing ever!  I remember feeling love that I had never known.  I remember holding them and never wanting to let them go...

I wish those moments lasted forever...

Because I still want to hold them and never let go...

the relaxing squirrel

Last week I looked out my window to see this squirrel lounging in the tree. I figured that he wouldn't stay long enough for me to get my camera but he did. Then I thought I was pushing my luck to step out onto the porch but still he remained. He even humored me long enough for me to change position (to the walkway off the porch to get another perspective). I was struck by his calm relaxed state.

For as long as I can remember (literally), I have been a type A personality. My earliest memories are caring (and feeling responsible)for my baby sister. My personality has always been one of responsibility and obligations. 

Last year, I found myself in a particularly negative place in my life. There have been some real lows in my life that have led to depression but this was simply negative. I felt negative. My happiness was disappearing. The bad moments were clearly outweighing the good times. 

I had lost my best friend when she moved away. I found myself uncomfortable in the places that had always been my comfort zones. I felt lost, abandoned, alone... I felt that my home was the only safe place left. 

Of course, I still had my faith in God but I had no idea which direction to turn. When right and wrong is clear, it's easy for me to decide what to do. This situation was not so clear. People were disguising their actions with lies and deceit. People that I thought I knew had turned into deceptive strangers. 

Then my health decided to add its opinion..and it was not good. The stress was taking a huge toll on my health. With two very dangerous diseases, which react negatively to stress, I was literally endangering my future...my life! 

Something had to change. I decided that the change would be in me. 

For my Christmas present to myself, I purchased three books to start me on my journey. I admit that I have only read two so far but the first book I read made an impact. It was a book called BOUNDARIES by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It was suggested to me by a friend on Facebook. (I am so thankful to that friend!) It gave me the permission that I was needing to set up boundaries in my life...to stand up for myself (not only physically and emotionally) but to allow myself not to obligate myself to try and help those who only wanted to hurt...to let go of the responsibility I felt to make things better when the stress was hurting me. It gave me permission to acknowledge my stress as my body's way of telling me that I needed to let go and not obligate myself to the negativity. 

 My goal for myself this year is learning to let go of the negative in my life. I want to be the squirrel casually resting on the tree branch without an apparent care in the world. 

I am not so good at it yet. But I'm better than I was! :)