I want my kids to learn from my failure

You’ve probably heard adults speak about what a good example their successes are for their children.

I want to not only be a good example in my successes but in my failures.
That’s right.  I want to be an example to my kids in my failures.

I’ve had various levels of success in my life.  However, I feel that the failures define who I am as much (if not more) as the successes.

One of the most recent failures comes to mind.  After working for many years to have a photography business (working, learning, practicing, etc), I realized that it was time to let go of that pursuit. 

I had to realize that the dream I had wasn’t consistent with the life I was living.  No matter how hard I worked, it wasn’t happening for me on a level that could be considered financially successful.  Life would consider that a failure.  In fact, in some ways, I consider that a failure.  I couldn’t find the success that I was looking to find. 


What could be a positive lesson from that?

1.  Don’t let dreams keep you from happiness.  Sometimes we focus so hard on attaining a dream that we fail to see the happiness that is already surrounding us.  Bottom line: I was chasing my dream and missing out on the happiness that was already mine.

2.  Quitting isn’t always a bad thing.  It is a much greater failure to continue on a path that isn’t good for you.

3.  There are some things more valuable than the world’s view of success.  I have refused to compromise my morals, principles or values to achieve success.  I have refused to compromise who I was to get where I wanted.  Getting where I wanted wouldn’t have been a reward if I had given up who I am.

4.  Sometimes what you want isn’t what is best.  Many times in life I’ve faced what looked like failure only to find out that it was just an obstacle removed in order for me to achieve something better.

5.  Hard work isn’t always the answer.  The world would tell you that if you work hard for something you will get it.  Some “religious” leaders would tell you the same.  If you don’t get it, then you aren’t working hard enough.  I don’t believe that.  Sometimes things just weren’t meant to be.  You might not see the reason at the time but you’ll probably be able to look back in the future and see the benefit.  I’ve been let down in my life by not having a door opened that I worked hard to open only to find out that the next door was something that I hadn’t even thought of and was even better!

6.  Everything costs something.  What are you willing to pay?  I’ve had opportunities where I could have pursued success more vigorously.  However, that would have meant giving up something that I wasn’t willing to give up.  One of the big things to me is family.  I wasn’t going to kill myself pursuing a business only to discover that I had lost all the quality time (weekends, evenings) with my family that could never be recovered. 

7.  Sometimes your plate is too full.  I found myself trying to be successful at so many things that I wasn’t able to give my best to all of them.  Teaching homeschool (with special circumstances), photography, theater, church obligations, studying/learning my daughter’s special needs and how to help by myself, being mom/wife/sister/daughter….It all became too much.  You need to know your limits.  In order to be good at anything, I couldn’t do it all.  I had to retire my Super Woman cape.  And I had to realize that was OK.  Being a better me was better for me.

8.  Always trust God.  When God leads you, go.  He always leads you the right way…even if you don’t understand where you are going.  He will give you the strength/skills/etc. to do what He needs you to do…and sometimes that isn’t what we are trying to do.


So, there it is. 

I was hoping that this post would sound more profound.  But it’s pretty simple. 

I want my children to learn that what looks like failure might be success and what looks like success might really be failure.

If I give up my family for personal success, I’ve failed.
My goal in life is happiness.  I’ve spent my entire life searching for happiness.  It just so happens that happiness to me is probably more simple than happiness to others. 
I don’t have to have the fancy cars, the expensive purses, the designer clothing or a big house.  I don’t have to have the titles after my name or the big paycheck.

I want love.  I want happiness.  I want to give my family the best of me…not what’s left over.  I want to be myself and be accepted for who I am. 

I value God, love, happiness, family and who I am.

If I can’t have these things, I will never have a success that is worth it. 

….And not one of those things can be purchased with money. 

Church and Special Needs: a personal perspective

I don't want anyone to get the impression that this is a "woe is me" post.  I wrote this to be educational.  I wrote this to be open.  I wrote this to give others a peek into my world.  I wrote this to make people think (because this has been on my mind a lot). 


-My Background-
I started attending Church services as a newborn (about 2 weeks old). I sung my first solo in worship services at age three. My sister and I were making regular appearances at local singings before the age of ten. I was leading our children's services by the age of sixteen.

Yes, I "grew up in the Church." Unlike a lot of teenagers/young adults, I didn't rebel. I didn't mind being a "good girl." I knew that having fun and being a Christian were not exclusive of each other.

That doesn't mean that my life has been easy. Far from it. I have had to face horrible trials and I've survived. But that's not the purpose of this writing.

I grew up with my Church family practically inseparable from my biological family.

I met my husband at Church. The first time he spoke to me was after a Sunday worship service...The first time he asked me out was after a Wednesday night Bible study. :)
(Side note: I was also a blonde for the only time in my life at the time...but that's whole 'nother story...lol!)

I said all that to set the tone that God has always been an essential part of my life.

-Something Different-
We noticed that there was something different about our youngest daughter from a young age...but then again, I'm different. Before she entered school, the learning differences surfaced. We struggled to find out what we could do to make things better for her. We went to doctors, had testing/evaluations and ended up discouraged. We picked ourselves up and took control. Learning ourselves (reading books, talking to parents, talking to educators)...Finding any open door that we could find for every door that closed. We've had to trust in God to guide us through this journey because we know that He can and we aren't finding any help elsewhere yet.

Ironically, the one area still seems to allude us to an extent is somewhat considering our situation.  We've always wanted to be involved.  Warming a pew has never been our style.  However, when we gave up our "working" roles to deal with our family needs, we found ourselves feeling lost. 

-Church and Special Needs-
I've been researching the Church and special needs families. Did you know that a large percentage of special needs families do not even attempt to go to Church services? There are serveral reasons for their absence. I'm not going to give you my researched reasons. I'm going to write from the heart. I looked for answers and I haven't found them yet. So, I'm going to share some of the struggles that you don't see.

*Church services are very hard for my child to understand. My child is very literal. My dad once made the comment that he was ready to "hunt down" some food. My daughter was quick to inform him that she didn't want to go hunting. Familiar figurative language make no sense to her.

*My child doesn't understand social graces. We've tried to teach her but with limited opportunies to practice, it's hard. Since it's difficult for her, which means it's difficult for others...hardly anyone tries.

*My child doesn't play well with others. Actually, that isn't fair. She doesn't NOT get along with others...she just needs them to come into her world. And most people don't. When she was little, I felt judged by other parents. I felt that they were judging the way that my daughter didn't participate in certain activities. I felt that they might feel that I was the keeping my child from participating. The truth is that I tried to include her. I tried to help her find a place. When she can't find a place, she'll come to (or stay in) her safe place...Me.

*My child doesn't shake hands. It gets tiring to explain some of her "quirks" like the fact that she doesn't touch hands with people outside of family. That seems simple enough but it's very uncomfortable for us to constantly explain. We don't want others to think that our daughter is being rude...so we keep explaining. (And, thank you to those who have learned and don't try to shake her hand! :) )

*My child doesn't pay attention like your child does. My child can hear without looking. Eye contact is difficult for her and that applies to staring at a speaker/preacher too. What we see as proper behavior is something uncomfortable for her. While we do work on eye contact, it really isn't necessary in her mind. Once again, we don't want our child to appear rude, but what makes sense to you doesn't make sense to her.

These are just a few of our small struggles.

-What I'd like you to know-
Now I'm going to tell I wish I could tell you.

*We are a normal family! While your version of normal is right for you, we live with our version of normal. We love...We laugh...We cheer each other on. We do things similar to what you do...just in a different way.

*We are friendly people so you can speak to us. Yes, people will sometimes look at us but never say a word. Yes, we may have our minds on keeping everything together but we don't mind if you interrupt. If anywhere we should feel the love at church services, but sometimes all I feel is lonely.

*Some days are better than others. Some days my daughter is more at ease than others. These days she will respond when spoken to and she may even carry on a conversation about something that she enjoys, like animals. Other days she won't even speak to us much at all and is almost totally withdrawn. These are the hard days. These are the days when I work to bring her out of her shell. (Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.) If you don't have contact with her, you'll never know the difference.

*We are parents too. We are proud of our daughter. We think she's one of the most beautiful people ever created. We see a side of our child that not everyone can see...and we know how great she is. We want our child to be appreciated for who she is! We go through parental ups and downs. Parenting a child with special needs doesn't make us simply a caregiver...We are still parents...And proud of it!! My child may not want to hop onstage and sing a song in front of the crowd but she has a heart that will show you an innocence and purity that makes my heart sing!

*We are people. We are individuals with individual interests and individual needs. Because most of our time is spent (especially mine) in dealing with our special life, that isn't all that I am. I enjoy creativity (photography, singing, acting). My daughter enjoys about anything to do with animals (particularly her animals, My Little Pony, Webkinz and last but certainly not least, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). If you take the time to talk to us, you might find us to be nice people.

...which brings me to my next point...
*I'm not ignoring you. I just can't be "on" all the time. I am at a disadvantage in the first place being an introvert. I'm not accustomed to having to "lead" conversation. Add to that the fact that I spend most of my time living "in my daughter's world" in order to understand her, I feel somewhat lost in the real world sometimes. It means a lot when someone reaches out to me...so that I don't have to.

*I don't mind you asking questions. I'm guessing this one is something that differs in families but as for us, we don't mind the questions. The more you know the more comfortable you will be. I want you to be comfortable. I also want you to get to know the fabulous young lady who is my daughter. In order to see that, you have to find a "key." We had to work hard to find some of the keys but we are happy to share. It would be wonderful if the people around us could see what we see...but they can't without trying.

*Please don't pity us. Learning challenges are just that...learning challenges. Everybody has challenges in life. Ours may look different from yours but you have challenges too. When your mind is clouded with pity, you are focused on the negative. You can't see our happiness...our love...our victories...the beauty and innocence of a child who thinks differently. From a very personal standpoint, we consider ourselves blessed. While the challenges are difficult and quite often exhausting, the rewards are wonderful too. Unfortunately, few people get close enough to share these with us.


-MythBuster-
Now I'm going to destroy a myth...
The Myth: We want to be left alone.
I have been to events where I could count on one hand the number of people who spoke to me. Even though I was surrounded by a large group of people, I was only acknowledged by a few. It was almost as if they didn't want to interrupt. One instance was on a day when my daughter was having a withdrawn day. I was doing my best to get her involved with the activities but it wasn't working. I was struggling emotionally. Yet, almost everyone around me did nothing. I felt pretty much invisible (which is a horrible feeling by the way). I finally started walking and talking with my daughter away from the crowd allowing my hubby to socialize. After a short time, my hubby noticed and we ended up leaving early.
I get it. It was an awkward situation with everyone having fun and me intently trying to get my daughter to have some fun too (or at the very least, come out of "her world" for awhile). Yes, that meant that I wasn't paying attention to those around me because I had all I could handle at the moment. However, did anyone stop to consider that I might could have used a friend at that time? A kind word would have acknowledged my presence and let me escape my struggle even if only for a moment.

-Be Love-
It's normal for most humans to walk away from that which is different.  I've spent my entire life watching people walk away.
However, the Church  is called to be the messengers of God's Love on earth.  It amazes me how often the Church looks outside for opportunities to minister to others yet totally ignore the MANY needs of those in their own congregation.  Of all places, surrounded by God's people should feel like a blanket of support, understanding, love, caring...




I started this off about Church but a lot of this could apply in general. There are many special kids out there with special parents who give so much to make sure that these special kids have find their special places in life. In fact, EVERY child is special.  They all deserve LOVE!