I want my kids to learn from my failure

You’ve probably heard adults speak about what a good example their successes are for their children.

I want to not only be a good example in my successes but in my failures.
That’s right.  I want to be an example to my kids in my failures.

I’ve had various levels of success in my life.  However, I feel that the failures define who I am as much (if not more) as the successes.

One of the most recent failures comes to mind.  After working for many years to have a photography business (working, learning, practicing, etc), I realized that it was time to let go of that pursuit. 

I had to realize that the dream I had wasn’t consistent with the life I was living.  No matter how hard I worked, it wasn’t happening for me on a level that could be considered financially successful.  Life would consider that a failure.  In fact, in some ways, I consider that a failure.  I couldn’t find the success that I was looking to find. 


What could be a positive lesson from that?

1.  Don’t let dreams keep you from happiness.  Sometimes we focus so hard on attaining a dream that we fail to see the happiness that is already surrounding us.  Bottom line: I was chasing my dream and missing out on the happiness that was already mine.

2.  Quitting isn’t always a bad thing.  It is a much greater failure to continue on a path that isn’t good for you.

3.  There are some things more valuable than the world’s view of success.  I have refused to compromise my morals, principles or values to achieve success.  I have refused to compromise who I was to get where I wanted.  Getting where I wanted wouldn’t have been a reward if I had given up who I am.

4.  Sometimes what you want isn’t what is best.  Many times in life I’ve faced what looked like failure only to find out that it was just an obstacle removed in order for me to achieve something better.

5.  Hard work isn’t always the answer.  The world would tell you that if you work hard for something you will get it.  Some “religious” leaders would tell you the same.  If you don’t get it, then you aren’t working hard enough.  I don’t believe that.  Sometimes things just weren’t meant to be.  You might not see the reason at the time but you’ll probably be able to look back in the future and see the benefit.  I’ve been let down in my life by not having a door opened that I worked hard to open only to find out that the next door was something that I hadn’t even thought of and was even better!

6.  Everything costs something.  What are you willing to pay?  I’ve had opportunities where I could have pursued success more vigorously.  However, that would have meant giving up something that I wasn’t willing to give up.  One of the big things to me is family.  I wasn’t going to kill myself pursuing a business only to discover that I had lost all the quality time (weekends, evenings) with my family that could never be recovered. 

7.  Sometimes your plate is too full.  I found myself trying to be successful at so many things that I wasn’t able to give my best to all of them.  Teaching homeschool (with special circumstances), photography, theater, church obligations, studying/learning my daughter’s special needs and how to help by myself, being mom/wife/sister/daughter….It all became too much.  You need to know your limits.  In order to be good at anything, I couldn’t do it all.  I had to retire my Super Woman cape.  And I had to realize that was OK.  Being a better me was better for me.

8.  Always trust God.  When God leads you, go.  He always leads you the right way…even if you don’t understand where you are going.  He will give you the strength/skills/etc. to do what He needs you to do…and sometimes that isn’t what we are trying to do.


So, there it is. 

I was hoping that this post would sound more profound.  But it’s pretty simple. 

I want my children to learn that what looks like failure might be success and what looks like success might really be failure.

If I give up my family for personal success, I’ve failed.
My goal in life is happiness.  I’ve spent my entire life searching for happiness.  It just so happens that happiness to me is probably more simple than happiness to others. 
I don’t have to have the fancy cars, the expensive purses, the designer clothing or a big house.  I don’t have to have the titles after my name or the big paycheck.

I want love.  I want happiness.  I want to give my family the best of me…not what’s left over.  I want to be myself and be accepted for who I am. 

I value God, love, happiness, family and who I am.

If I can’t have these things, I will never have a success that is worth it. 

….And not one of those things can be purchased with money. 

Church and Special Needs: a personal perspective

I don't want anyone to get the impression that this is a "woe is me" post.  I wrote this to be educational.  I wrote this to be open.  I wrote this to give others a peek into my world.  I wrote this to make people think (because this has been on my mind a lot). 


-My Background-
I started attending Church services as a newborn (about 2 weeks old). I sung my first solo in worship services at age three. My sister and I were making regular appearances at local singings before the age of ten. I was leading our children's services by the age of sixteen.

Yes, I "grew up in the Church." Unlike a lot of teenagers/young adults, I didn't rebel. I didn't mind being a "good girl." I knew that having fun and being a Christian were not exclusive of each other.

That doesn't mean that my life has been easy. Far from it. I have had to face horrible trials and I've survived. But that's not the purpose of this writing.

I grew up with my Church family practically inseparable from my biological family.

I met my husband at Church. The first time he spoke to me was after a Sunday worship service...The first time he asked me out was after a Wednesday night Bible study. :)
(Side note: I was also a blonde for the only time in my life at the time...but that's whole 'nother story...lol!)

I said all that to set the tone that God has always been an essential part of my life.

-Something Different-
We noticed that there was something different about our youngest daughter from a young age...but then again, I'm different. Before she entered school, the learning differences surfaced. We struggled to find out what we could do to make things better for her. We went to doctors, had testing/evaluations and ended up discouraged. We picked ourselves up and took control. Learning ourselves (reading books, talking to parents, talking to educators)...Finding any open door that we could find for every door that closed. We've had to trust in God to guide us through this journey because we know that He can and we aren't finding any help elsewhere yet.

Ironically, the one area still seems to allude us to an extent is somewhat considering our situation.  We've always wanted to be involved.  Warming a pew has never been our style.  However, when we gave up our "working" roles to deal with our family needs, we found ourselves feeling lost. 

-Church and Special Needs-
I've been researching the Church and special needs families. Did you know that a large percentage of special needs families do not even attempt to go to Church services? There are serveral reasons for their absence. I'm not going to give you my researched reasons. I'm going to write from the heart. I looked for answers and I haven't found them yet. So, I'm going to share some of the struggles that you don't see.

*Church services are very hard for my child to understand. My child is very literal. My dad once made the comment that he was ready to "hunt down" some food. My daughter was quick to inform him that she didn't want to go hunting. Familiar figurative language make no sense to her.

*My child doesn't understand social graces. We've tried to teach her but with limited opportunies to practice, it's hard. Since it's difficult for her, which means it's difficult for others...hardly anyone tries.

*My child doesn't play well with others. Actually, that isn't fair. She doesn't NOT get along with others...she just needs them to come into her world. And most people don't. When she was little, I felt judged by other parents. I felt that they were judging the way that my daughter didn't participate in certain activities. I felt that they might feel that I was the keeping my child from participating. The truth is that I tried to include her. I tried to help her find a place. When she can't find a place, she'll come to (or stay in) her safe place...Me.

*My child doesn't shake hands. It gets tiring to explain some of her "quirks" like the fact that she doesn't touch hands with people outside of family. That seems simple enough but it's very uncomfortable for us to constantly explain. We don't want others to think that our daughter is being rude...so we keep explaining. (And, thank you to those who have learned and don't try to shake her hand! :) )

*My child doesn't pay attention like your child does. My child can hear without looking. Eye contact is difficult for her and that applies to staring at a speaker/preacher too. What we see as proper behavior is something uncomfortable for her. While we do work on eye contact, it really isn't necessary in her mind. Once again, we don't want our child to appear rude, but what makes sense to you doesn't make sense to her.

These are just a few of our small struggles.

-What I'd like you to know-
Now I'm going to tell I wish I could tell you.

*We are a normal family! While your version of normal is right for you, we live with our version of normal. We love...We laugh...We cheer each other on. We do things similar to what you do...just in a different way.

*We are friendly people so you can speak to us. Yes, people will sometimes look at us but never say a word. Yes, we may have our minds on keeping everything together but we don't mind if you interrupt. If anywhere we should feel the love at church services, but sometimes all I feel is lonely.

*Some days are better than others. Some days my daughter is more at ease than others. These days she will respond when spoken to and she may even carry on a conversation about something that she enjoys, like animals. Other days she won't even speak to us much at all and is almost totally withdrawn. These are the hard days. These are the days when I work to bring her out of her shell. (Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.) If you don't have contact with her, you'll never know the difference.

*We are parents too. We are proud of our daughter. We think she's one of the most beautiful people ever created. We see a side of our child that not everyone can see...and we know how great she is. We want our child to be appreciated for who she is! We go through parental ups and downs. Parenting a child with special needs doesn't make us simply a caregiver...We are still parents...And proud of it!! My child may not want to hop onstage and sing a song in front of the crowd but she has a heart that will show you an innocence and purity that makes my heart sing!

*We are people. We are individuals with individual interests and individual needs. Because most of our time is spent (especially mine) in dealing with our special life, that isn't all that I am. I enjoy creativity (photography, singing, acting). My daughter enjoys about anything to do with animals (particularly her animals, My Little Pony, Webkinz and last but certainly not least, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). If you take the time to talk to us, you might find us to be nice people.

...which brings me to my next point...
*I'm not ignoring you. I just can't be "on" all the time. I am at a disadvantage in the first place being an introvert. I'm not accustomed to having to "lead" conversation. Add to that the fact that I spend most of my time living "in my daughter's world" in order to understand her, I feel somewhat lost in the real world sometimes. It means a lot when someone reaches out to me...so that I don't have to.

*I don't mind you asking questions. I'm guessing this one is something that differs in families but as for us, we don't mind the questions. The more you know the more comfortable you will be. I want you to be comfortable. I also want you to get to know the fabulous young lady who is my daughter. In order to see that, you have to find a "key." We had to work hard to find some of the keys but we are happy to share. It would be wonderful if the people around us could see what we see...but they can't without trying.

*Please don't pity us. Learning challenges are just that...learning challenges. Everybody has challenges in life. Ours may look different from yours but you have challenges too. When your mind is clouded with pity, you are focused on the negative. You can't see our happiness...our love...our victories...the beauty and innocence of a child who thinks differently. From a very personal standpoint, we consider ourselves blessed. While the challenges are difficult and quite often exhausting, the rewards are wonderful too. Unfortunately, few people get close enough to share these with us.


-MythBuster-
Now I'm going to destroy a myth...
The Myth: We want to be left alone.
I have been to events where I could count on one hand the number of people who spoke to me. Even though I was surrounded by a large group of people, I was only acknowledged by a few. It was almost as if they didn't want to interrupt. One instance was on a day when my daughter was having a withdrawn day. I was doing my best to get her involved with the activities but it wasn't working. I was struggling emotionally. Yet, almost everyone around me did nothing. I felt pretty much invisible (which is a horrible feeling by the way). I finally started walking and talking with my daughter away from the crowd allowing my hubby to socialize. After a short time, my hubby noticed and we ended up leaving early.
I get it. It was an awkward situation with everyone having fun and me intently trying to get my daughter to have some fun too (or at the very least, come out of "her world" for awhile). Yes, that meant that I wasn't paying attention to those around me because I had all I could handle at the moment. However, did anyone stop to consider that I might could have used a friend at that time? A kind word would have acknowledged my presence and let me escape my struggle even if only for a moment.

-Be Love-
It's normal for most humans to walk away from that which is different.  I've spent my entire life watching people walk away.
However, the Church  is called to be the messengers of God's Love on earth.  It amazes me how often the Church looks outside for opportunities to minister to others yet totally ignore the MANY needs of those in their own congregation.  Of all places, surrounded by God's people should feel like a blanket of support, understanding, love, caring...




I started this off about Church but a lot of this could apply in general. There are many special kids out there with special parents who give so much to make sure that these special kids have find their special places in life. In fact, EVERY child is special.  They all deserve LOVE!

Year End Review

[I’ve written something for this post several times.  Each time I end up trashing it.  Hopefully, this time will work for me.]

At the end of every year, I review the year…what went right…what went wrong.  So...Here goes... 

HEALTH
This year started off heavy.  The negativity of the past several years had gotten me into a very bad place.  My health was paying the price. 
Having PKD (polycystic kidney disease), stress is a major negative factor.  I’ve endured too much stress over the previous few years and my body was telling me.  When my health took a major downturn early in the year, my doctor had to increase my medicine dosage (keeping my blood pressure low normal to protect my kidneys from damage in that area) by four times!  That was a wake-up call for me.


LEARNING CHALLENGES
I’ve been very open about my youngest daughter’s challenges with learning.  In 2013, her social challenges began to be even more noticeable.  I was at the point once again where I had to find another key so that I didn’t lose my daughter to her world of isolation.  We became very educated in the area of Autism/Aspergers Syndrome.  Unfortunately, the medical community (except for a late night conversation with a wonderful doctor off-record) has been basically no help.  At the end of 2014, we still have even gotten an appointment for testing which we were told was requested in August...but I have educated myself and I am actually growing closer to my daughter. 

My youngest daughter on the day that she was recommended for testing in August.  We were given hope...

DIET
Next there was a photo.  I posed for a photo with my daughter before she left for the Father-Daughter Valentine’s dance.  I was sickened by what I saw.  Granted, I had no makeup, unfixed hair, sloppy clothes, the need of a shower and had just completed hours pampering my daughter to get her ready (in addition to a furiously fast moving photo shoot….her patience with the camera is short) but I looked awful!!  What I saw was a pale, unhealthy, unrecognizable version of me.  Not to mention that I felt bad.

One of the better photos of me that day.

That picture and my weight at the doctor’s office set me on the path of health low-fat diet, which helped me shed a few extra pounds and add some color to my face again.  In addition, I eliminated every stress that I could in order to get my body and mind in a better place.


PHOTOGRAPHY
I stopped doing photo sessions for others this year.  Even though we knew it would create a financial burden, I realized that I was working to much for too little.  As a business person, I knew that my dreams in photography were no longer a good investment of time/money.  Sometimes reality doesn’t agree with the heart.  :(

I briefly pursued stock photography.  However, I quickly discovered that I was not having success there.  So, I chalked that one up to an interesting failure.

THEATER
After finishing up 2013 on a theatrical high with SPAC’s production of The Best Christmas Pageant ever, I had to take a break from theater.  Unfortunately, financial and health reasons prevented me from doing what I love.  I have to admit I miss the stage!!!


RELIGION
God has always been a huge part of my life.  In 2014, we left the congregation that had been our home for years and visited a few other locations.  We were actually analyzing our daughter’s reaction to other places.  We hoped to confirm (or deny) whether or not our daughter’s social issues would change with location.  In the end,  she was consistent and she chose to go back to our original congregation.  We finished up 2014 doing the Christmas program together.

Christmas program (Strangers at the Inn) photo taken by my mom

FAMILY
I always enjoy family bonding time.  With so many distractions gone and working together to face the year’s challenges (financial, health, learning, social), we were able to nurture our family bond.

One from our Christmas card photo mini-shoot

When everyone else walks away, those who love you will be there!


HOMESCHOOL
We finished up 5th grade with better learning focus (which was a great thing!).  In August, we started 6th grade in our newly designated classroom.  Then we had a place for our school stuff that we could shut the door on and walk away.  It helped give us some separation.

I was a little overambitious as we started off the new school year but quickly noticed the issue and revamped our schedule.  My daughter reacted positively.  We ended this semester with some very good improvements!

One field trip was to see this WWII ship.

PETS
We lost our beloved 16 year old lab mix (my hubby’s dog before we were married).  That was tough.

"Saying Goodbye"

We added a rescued kitten to our household, Tinker Belle (or Tinker the stinker, as I like to refer to her…heehee).  I  can’t help but smile when I see her tongue-out happy face!

Tinker being Tinker :)

We gave lots of affection and received a lot in return.  Where friendships have gone away, our dogs are always there to make things better!

Halloween family pic

CONCLUSION

Well, there it is.  My year in review. 
While it was a rough year in some ways, it was a great year in other ways.

What made for a Merry Christmas for me ~ Loved ones all together...and having fun!

Here’s to saying goodbye to the negative parts of 2014 and adding to the positive ones in the new year.

The Monster that Haunts Me

It's been over three months since I once again was told that my daughter was recommended for special testing. Once again, I wait. You would think after over six years of this ongoing battle with the medical profession that I would be more used to things...but some days are harder than others...

Today, I reread her initial testing report...

Back in 2007, my daughter was given an evaluation which was done a few days before her sixth birthday. After a whole day of testing, the diagnosis was one that I knew was far from correct. I was disappointed beyond belief. I had reached out for help and had received an improper diagnosis with a recommendation for me to start my daughter on drugs. I had already been disappointed by the coldness (and, dare I say, bullying behavior) of the public school system. Now I was given a diagnosis that it didn't take a fancy degree to know was not correct. When I reread the initial testing report, I see many red flags in addition to pure inaccuracies. What horrible evaluators! How fortunate my hubby and I were to not just blindly accept what we were told.

I reread her initial testing report...
My daughter was disappearing before my eyes and this was the best they could do! I was mad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was disheartened. I asked for help and I got less than nothing!


I reread her initial testing report...
...for months. I was so blindsided by such a wrong diagnosis from the people who were supposed to be professionals. It took me months to finally present the report to my family physician. She was as confused as we were. She said that we were right not to act on that evaluation since it was absolutely not right. She introduced us to the world of dyslexia and recommended her for evaluation.


I reread her initial testing report...
...and then looked at dyslexia. I cried. I saw her symptoms all over the place. After weeks of trying to get her in for testing for dyslexia, we were unable to get an evaluation. The insurance didn't cover the cost and the testing was expensive in addition to hours away. We were unable to get the testing that she needed.


I reread her initial testing report...
...then put it away to concentrate on dyslexia. I learned everything I could get. I talked to parents and teachers of children with dyslexia. I took all the advice and knowledge. I confronted her challenges fiercely. I was not going to give up.


I reread her initial testing report...
Something still wasn't right. In fact, some things that had always seemed quirky were now becoming obsessive behavior. Why is she always so distant? Why doesn't she want to relate to others? Why doesn't she liked to be touched? Why am I being asked by people if I had considered autism?!



I reread her initial testing report...
I don't know why.  The feelings of anger, disappointment and everything else come rushing to the surface. It's always so raw.  Why do I do that?  Why didn't they see anything strange?  They were supposed to know.  But they didn't...


I reread her initial testing report...
I appease myself by noting that things have only gotten worse since her initial (and incorrect) diagnosis. Perhaps they needed it spelled out more clearly as it is now.  I remind myself that I have gotten no help at all so far.  I question whether or not to ask again.


I reread her initial testing report...
They were WRONG!  So why do I keep looking at this evaluation?!  I need answers!  I need the TRUTH!


I reread her initial testing report...
There is so much that is wrong with it.  I can see my daughter with my eyes.  I have researched enough that I am convinced that I know what we are facing now.  Should I say anything or not?


I reread her initial testing report...
Her evaluation is SO wrong that I need more answers.  I need to have something that is right.  I need to be able to work with a real diagnosis.  I need this.  I need help.


I reread her initial testing report...
I have been disappointed, yet again, by the medical profession.  My family doctor has recommended another evaluation. This time it's for ASD (autism spectrum disorder/aspergers syndrome). She seems taken aback by the symptoms that are now so glaring.  But that evaluation has yet to come.  It seems no one cares what is challenging my family.  I've given up my job, my hobbies, who I am, everything I can give up to devote myself to understanding her...yet the professionals continue to turn away.  This little girl that I have fought for so long is now becoming a young lady.  I want to enjoy my daughter instead of constantly fight on her behalf.  Sometimes I am mad that I have to do everything by myself.  I had to study her behavior, assess it, learn teaching skills to help her and apply them myself.  I know her so well at this point that I could disappear into her world and never come out...or so I feel some days.
My faith is shattered.  My trust is all but gone.


Today, I reread her initial testing report...
Why, oh why, do I torture myself!!!  The emotions are always the same.  The result is always the same.

I scold myself for reading it again.
I am disappointed in myself for letting it make me feel bad.
It's not that I can't do it by myself.  I have the inner strength to know that isn't true.  I am a force!
It's that I feel that it would be easier if someone with more experience would lead me.  Sometimes easier would be nice.

I want it to go away.
I want to know the joy of having the support of the medical community.
I want to feel that I'm part of the club not standing on the outside.
My silent cries for help unheard.
I want someone to hear my voice!!! 



Today, I reread her initial testing report...
I tuck it away.
I walk away.
I pour my feelings into this blog post.



I will not be controlled by that which I cannot change.
God has promised that He won't give me more than I can handle without his help.  Apparently, He's putting a lot of faith in me and Him!  I should too! :)

And, so, I go back to my life, put my trust in God and leave the nightmare behind me...once again.

Don't judge me OR my dog!

I've seen so many negative posts lately on dogs wearing costumes and clothes in general. Before I post any pics of my dogs in their costumes, here's my vent!

Truth is...I was one of "those people." The people who sat around and thought it was so stupid when I saw a dog wearing clothes. It was so silly that I could never imagine doing that.

Then I got dogs and started responding to my dogs.

My boy dog hated getting wet when it rained. To be honest, I hate wet dog smell myself. So, my dog got a raincoat. No big deal.

My view really changed when I got my girl dog. When we rescued her, she was afraid of EVERYTHING! When we were outside, she was terrified to the point that she wouldn't walk on her own. She would just curl into a ball. Inside the house, she was better (not totally relaxed) but storms reduced her to a quivering mess. We couldn't do anything to help her overcome her anxiety.

Enter the Thundershirt. We bought the shirt to help her during storms...which it does. However, there were situations where the Thundershirt wasn't functional. The Thundershirt is thick and, with a dog who already overheats easily, it was not appropriate for walks around the neighborhood (or vet visits) during hot weather. So, I started looking for other options.
What I found was nothing. So, we started looking at other options. What we found was my dog Fergie's first tutu dress. I made it using a child's garment that was made of stretchy material so that Fergie could have the security of tightness without the thickness of a Thundershirt.

As luck would have it, the dress ended up with a tulle tutu, skirt which began Fergie's preference for tutus.  (Yes, she actually shows her preference...She is much more relaxed in a tutu dress.)  Maybe it's because her tail is like a big pom-tutu!  :D
At this point, we were able to take her for walks!! You could physically see the boost in her confidence when she was wearing her dress. So, that began my mini-hobby of making Fergie dresses. :)  Since I did notice that her confidence was always higher with a tutu on the dress, I always design with that in mind (as well as her comfort, of course). The dresses, in addition to medication, help my dog to live a less stressed life...which also makes my life less stressed. So, it's healthier for her and me. :)

At first, Fergie was the only one we were going to dress. But, my daughter's dog wanted to join in on the fun. He would beg to put on clothes when we would dress Fergie (by the way, she was only dressed when she was going to be in anxious situations where it was needed). Then when he didn't get something to wear, he would try to take her clothes away from her. So, we bought him a shirt which he happily jumps into (literally...It is quite amusing!). Then, he was happy and left her alone.
When the cold weather came, we were happy that he liked clothes because he needed clothes to keep him warm outside. His tiny body shivered something awful during walks and bathroom breaks.

I get so angry reading that people think it's NEVER appropriate or that it's cruel. What is cruel is letting an animal suffer without clothing. It would be cruel of me to be able to alleviate some discomfort and choose not to because of some judgmental comments made by others who don't matter.

So, yes, I do dress my dogs (sometimes....but not frequently).

I say as long as the pet and owner(s) enjoy it...To each his/her own!!

We have four dogs. Two of them have several clothing items because that's what works for them. The two others have a few items (mostly for functional purposes) because they don't mind clothing but they aren't excited about it either. We had one who passed recently at the age of 16 who NEVER wore clothes. Basically, I am responding to the needs of each dog individually...because that's what they are...individual dogs with individual likes and dislikes!

As for "humanizing" dogs...My dogs live in the house!  That alone means that my dogs don't live a life of the wild.  They live a life where they are loved!  Loving and being loved is what counts in my life.  (Besides, why would I try to make my dogs more like humans when dogs make better friends anyway?!)

But if you have to judge, go right ahead...And keep it to yourself! Because I don't live my life catering to the judgments of others...and neither do my dogs! :)

FERGIE IN HER FIRST TUTU DRESS

Oh, yeah...And, yes, my dog's do wear costumes. Their costumes are custom-made by me. They wear them long enough for a photo shoot. Any photo shoots mean extra treats so they are completely thrilled to indulge me for a few minutes. In fact, instead of fighting to get costumes on, we have to fight to get them off of a couple of ours. ;)

One Joy of Pet Parenting

I took this photo yesterday of my pretty smiling boy.

Today, he decides that rolling in ashes first thing in the morning looked like a good idea. 

Ah...The joy! :)

 

Saying Goodbye

Today marks a month since we had to say goodbye to a dear loyal companion.  

Now rest, my sweet boy...

Spook was my hubby's dog, the last of the three pets we owned prior to marriage. My hubby got to experience 16 years with the lab mix puppy that brought home after going permanent at his job. Although he thought he was getting a full black lab, he just never grew into that. He looked like a lab but he was smaller. For that reason, I called him a miniature lab. :)


A SLOW JOURNEY.

A few years ago, we knew that Spook wasn't well. He began having seizures/mini-strokes. He developed arthritis. He would go on binges of not eating. He lost weight. He shrank in size. He stumbled around when he walked. He lost part of his hearing as well as most of his sight. The vet got us on a treatment schedule where we were able to regain some ground but it was obvious that he was growing weary.

At first, he would let me see how sick he was but pretend nothing was wrong when my hubby was around. During that time he would have me hold him. This was unusual since (although I'd loved and cared for him as long as he'd lived with us) he made it very clear that my hubby was #1 in his eyes. Even though I hated that he was sick, I grew to adore, in a way, those moments of connecting with him. .

Unfortunately, those moments didn't last. As the end grew near, he developed dementia. Sometimes he looked at me with confusion as if he didn't know who I was. On one bad day, he even looked at me terror (bringing me to tears). This disease became an emotional struggle as I wanted to stay connected with him so bad but that was slipping away..

For awhile, the "good days" outnumbered the "bad days." He would have spells where things were bad but he'd bounce back and be almost like his old self again. He hadn't given up his desire to chase the cats or roll in the grass. :) Then the bad days started gaining on the good days. He stopped eating again. So, I started cooking for him in an effort to get him to eat. That worked for a little while..

We were all set to enjoy 4th of July weekend, when Spook got sick again. He was having a rough weekend, but we'd seen him do that many times over the past two years. The ups and downs had led us on this emotional roller coaster ride. With that ride, we had developed a continual hope for the good to follow the bad. This time that wasn't going to happen....


LAST DAYS.

We realized that he was slipping away and this time was different..

On Monday, Spook was walking toward his favorite spot in the grass when he suddenly stopped. He turned his head looking confused and unable to complete his journey. Then he collapsed. Scooping his frail frame into my arms, I carried him the rest of the way. (I frequently would carry him when he couldn't go.).

I placed him on the soft grass and watched as his body gave in to his poor condition. I could see that the fight was gone from his eyes. All I saw was exhaustion. I retrieved a blanket for him to rest on (the grass or grass bugs had always made him itch after awhile). Putting myself next to him, I cried. .

Through the emotional pain, my photographer instincts kicked in. If I only had a little while left with him, I wanted to capture as much as I could. So, I went inside to grab my camera. For the rest of the afternoon, I alternated between comforting him when he was awake, allowing streams of tears to roll down my face and photographing every little thing I didn't want to let go of about him. His salt-and-pepper paws, his whitened muzzle, his tail (that had always wagged happily when he ate), the uneven tip of his tail, his paw pads so rough and aged, his lab profile, his floppy ears that were so soft. I tried my best to capture it all the best I could despite the emotional turmoil of the moment..

He barely lifted his head from that point forward. His breathing became labored. It was obvious that he was struggling. So, we spent that night making him as comfortable as we could, showering him with love and saying our goodbyes....

The next morning, my hubby made the call that he was hoping he wouldn't have to make. My daughter said her last goodbyes. As she sat beside him, Spook managed to somehow find the energy to lift himself enough to drop his upper body into her lap...One last expression of the love he had for her..

I finally loaded him into the car seat beside me and gave him his last ride. Over the next hour or so, many tears were shed as my hubby and I watched him leave us. I held onto his finally relaxed body as my hubby prepared a final resting place.

It was a relief to no longer see pain written all over his face.
It was a comfort to know that he could rest now.
It was a blessing to have been his family.
It was the end...The end of a beautiful loving journey with a very special friend.

  In Memory of:

Spook "Jumpy" (Summer 1998 - July 8, 2014)