Today, I reread her initial testing report...
Back in 2007, my daughter was given an evaluation which was done a few days before her sixth birthday. After a whole day of testing, the diagnosis was one that I knew was far from correct. I was disappointed beyond belief. I had reached out for help and had received an improper diagnosis with a recommendation for me to start my daughter on drugs. I had already been disappointed by the coldness (and, dare I say, bullying behavior) of the public school system. Now I was given a diagnosis that it didn't take a fancy degree to know was not correct. When I reread the initial testing report, I see many red flags in addition to pure inaccuracies. What horrible evaluators! How fortunate my hubby and I were to not just blindly accept what we were told.
I reread her initial testing report...
My daughter was disappearing before my eyes and this was the best they could do! I was mad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was disheartened. I asked for help and I got less than nothing!
I reread her initial testing report...
...for months. I was so blindsided by such a wrong diagnosis from the people who were supposed to be professionals. It took me months to finally present the report to my family physician. She was as confused as we were. She said that we were right not to act on that evaluation since it was absolutely not right. She introduced us to the world of dyslexia and recommended her for evaluation.
I reread her initial testing report...
...and then looked at dyslexia. I cried. I saw her symptoms all over the place. After weeks of trying to get her in for testing for dyslexia, we were unable to get an evaluation. The insurance didn't cover the cost and the testing was expensive in addition to hours away. We were unable to get the testing that she needed.
I reread her initial testing report...
...then put it away to concentrate on dyslexia. I learned everything I could get. I talked to parents and teachers of children with dyslexia. I took all the advice and knowledge. I confronted her challenges fiercely. I was not going to give up.
I reread her initial testing report...
Something still wasn't right. In fact, some things that had always seemed quirky were now becoming obsessive behavior. Why is she always so distant? Why doesn't she want to relate to others? Why doesn't she liked to be touched? Why am I being asked by people if I had considered autism?!
I reread her initial testing report...
I don't know why. The feelings of anger, disappointment and everything else come rushing to the surface. It's always so raw. Why do I do that? Why didn't they see anything strange? They were supposed to know. But they didn't...
I reread her initial testing report...
I appease myself by noting that things have only gotten worse since her initial (and incorrect) diagnosis. Perhaps they needed it spelled out more clearly as it is now. I remind myself that I have gotten no help at all so far. I question whether or not to ask again.
I reread her initial testing report...
They were WRONG! So why do I keep looking at this evaluation?! I need answers! I need the TRUTH!
I reread her initial testing report...
There is so much that is wrong with it. I can see my daughter with my eyes. I have researched enough that I am convinced that I know what we are facing now. Should I say anything or not?
I reread her initial testing report...
Her evaluation is SO wrong that I need more answers. I need to have something that is right. I need to be able to work with a real diagnosis. I need this. I need help.
I reread her initial testing report...
I have been disappointed, yet again, by the medical profession. My family doctor has recommended another evaluation. This time it's for ASD (autism spectrum disorder/aspergers syndrome). She seems taken aback by the symptoms that are now so glaring. But that evaluation has yet to come. It seems no one cares what is challenging my family. I've given up my job, my hobbies, who I am, everything I can give up to devote myself to understanding her...yet the professionals continue to turn away. This little girl that I have fought for so long is now becoming a young lady. I want to enjoy my daughter instead of constantly fight on her behalf. Sometimes I am mad that I have to do everything by myself. I had to study her behavior, assess it, learn teaching skills to help her and apply them myself. I know her so well at this point that I could disappear into her world and never come out...or so I feel some days.
My faith is shattered. My trust is all but gone.
Today, I reread her initial testing report...
Why, oh why, do I torture myself!!! The emotions are always the same. The result is always the same.
I scold myself for reading it again.
I am disappointed in myself for letting it make me feel bad.
It's not that I can't do it by myself. I have the inner strength to know that isn't true. I am a force!
It's that I feel that it would be easier if someone with more experience would lead me. Sometimes easier would be nice.
I want it to go away.
I want to know the joy of having the support of the medical community.
I want to feel that I'm part of the club not standing on the outside.
My silent cries for help unheard.
I want someone to hear my voice!!!
Today, I reread her initial testing report...
I tuck it away.
I walk away.
I pour my feelings into this blog post.
I will not be controlled by that which I cannot change.
God has promised that He won't give me more than I can handle without his help. Apparently, He's putting a lot of faith in me and Him! I should too! :)
And, so, I go back to my life, put my trust in God and leave the nightmare behind me...once again.
