Saying Goodbye

Today marks a month since we had to say goodbye to a dear loyal companion.  

Now rest, my sweet boy...

Spook was my hubby's dog, the last of the three pets we owned prior to marriage. My hubby got to experience 16 years with the lab mix puppy that brought home after going permanent at his job. Although he thought he was getting a full black lab, he just never grew into that. He looked like a lab but he was smaller. For that reason, I called him a miniature lab. :)


A SLOW JOURNEY.

A few years ago, we knew that Spook wasn't well. He began having seizures/mini-strokes. He developed arthritis. He would go on binges of not eating. He lost weight. He shrank in size. He stumbled around when he walked. He lost part of his hearing as well as most of his sight. The vet got us on a treatment schedule where we were able to regain some ground but it was obvious that he was growing weary.

At first, he would let me see how sick he was but pretend nothing was wrong when my hubby was around. During that time he would have me hold him. This was unusual since (although I'd loved and cared for him as long as he'd lived with us) he made it very clear that my hubby was #1 in his eyes. Even though I hated that he was sick, I grew to adore, in a way, those moments of connecting with him. .

Unfortunately, those moments didn't last. As the end grew near, he developed dementia. Sometimes he looked at me with confusion as if he didn't know who I was. On one bad day, he even looked at me terror (bringing me to tears). This disease became an emotional struggle as I wanted to stay connected with him so bad but that was slipping away..

For awhile, the "good days" outnumbered the "bad days." He would have spells where things were bad but he'd bounce back and be almost like his old self again. He hadn't given up his desire to chase the cats or roll in the grass. :) Then the bad days started gaining on the good days. He stopped eating again. So, I started cooking for him in an effort to get him to eat. That worked for a little while..

We were all set to enjoy 4th of July weekend, when Spook got sick again. He was having a rough weekend, but we'd seen him do that many times over the past two years. The ups and downs had led us on this emotional roller coaster ride. With that ride, we had developed a continual hope for the good to follow the bad. This time that wasn't going to happen....


LAST DAYS.

We realized that he was slipping away and this time was different..

On Monday, Spook was walking toward his favorite spot in the grass when he suddenly stopped. He turned his head looking confused and unable to complete his journey. Then he collapsed. Scooping his frail frame into my arms, I carried him the rest of the way. (I frequently would carry him when he couldn't go.).

I placed him on the soft grass and watched as his body gave in to his poor condition. I could see that the fight was gone from his eyes. All I saw was exhaustion. I retrieved a blanket for him to rest on (the grass or grass bugs had always made him itch after awhile). Putting myself next to him, I cried. .

Through the emotional pain, my photographer instincts kicked in. If I only had a little while left with him, I wanted to capture as much as I could. So, I went inside to grab my camera. For the rest of the afternoon, I alternated between comforting him when he was awake, allowing streams of tears to roll down my face and photographing every little thing I didn't want to let go of about him. His salt-and-pepper paws, his whitened muzzle, his tail (that had always wagged happily when he ate), the uneven tip of his tail, his paw pads so rough and aged, his lab profile, his floppy ears that were so soft. I tried my best to capture it all the best I could despite the emotional turmoil of the moment..

He barely lifted his head from that point forward. His breathing became labored. It was obvious that he was struggling. So, we spent that night making him as comfortable as we could, showering him with love and saying our goodbyes....

The next morning, my hubby made the call that he was hoping he wouldn't have to make. My daughter said her last goodbyes. As she sat beside him, Spook managed to somehow find the energy to lift himself enough to drop his upper body into her lap...One last expression of the love he had for her..

I finally loaded him into the car seat beside me and gave him his last ride. Over the next hour or so, many tears were shed as my hubby and I watched him leave us. I held onto his finally relaxed body as my hubby prepared a final resting place.

It was a relief to no longer see pain written all over his face.
It was a comfort to know that he could rest now.
It was a blessing to have been his family.
It was the end...The end of a beautiful loving journey with a very special friend.

  In Memory of:

Spook "Jumpy" (Summer 1998 - July 8, 2014)

Meet Tinker Belle

My last post was about three little kittens that we recently took in. The good news is that all the kittens have found homes!  The even better news is that the little sweetie pictured below has found her home in our home. :)

I've actually been wrapped up in my dogs so much lately (plus I have had two VERY unsocial cats for years) that I had become pretty comfortable with not having cats around a lot.  So, I was hesitant to even consider keeping a kitten.  Add to that, the fact that one of my dog suffers anxiety issues and one of her anxieties is cats.  Are you getting the message that I really didn't want another cat?

Even if I did want another cat, it would have to be one with a big purr.  I had to euthanize my cat of 11 years several years ago...kidney failure.  One of the many things I loved about her was her loud purr.  Then when I was diagnosed with asthma, she would lay on my chest when I was having trouble and purr.  As weird as it may sound, that was probably the most comforting thing that I have ever had done for my asthma.  It actually soothed the symptoms.  This factor generally meant that my daughter and I weren't attracted to the same cats.  She went for gray ones (her favorite color) and I looked for the big purr.  

This image was taken just a few weeks after she was rescued and before we decided to keep her.  However, my daughter had an instant connection with this one.  She was so adorable.  But, then again, so were the others.

 

As if the above wasn't enough cuteness to win me over, she starts doing things like this. She liked to lay in my daughter's lap and sleep on her back.  Yes, with the signature tongue out. :)

 It was at this point that I was losing my power to say no.

Then we had a little issue with their overnight accommodations which made it necessary for the three to get a bath.  And I get hit with this look.

 After that it was pretty much over.  She made herself right at home in my daughter's bedroom.

After an indoor trial period, I could see that she was right where she belonged.  (Yes, she even has the big purr!!)

 

How did she get her name?

So, there was now the issue of a name.  Names are somewhat of a big thing to us.  We like names.  We'd given each of the kittens nicknames when they arrived.  (This one was "precious.")  But, if she was going to stay, she had to be given a proper Boles name.  Our pets have full names...first, middle and our last name.  They are family.

When I told my daughter that the kitten could stay, we started thinking on names.  After thinking on it for several days, I decided that we needed to make a choice.  I worked that morning gathering together names that I liked, names that fit the kitten's personality and names that I thought my daughter would like.

I wrote the names on scraps of paper and took them to my daughter.  We sat in her room with the kitten and went through each name, sorting in "yes" "no" "maybe" piles.  The "no" scraps were put away.  The "maybes" were then either kept or moved to the "yes" pile.  Then the "yes" names were each considered.  In the end, it came down to a choice of three names.  One was quickly rejected.  Two were serious contenders...but one easily won..."Tinker!"  From there it was easy to choose a middle name, the only question was the spelling..."Belle" was selected.  So, she's Tinker Belle...Named after Tinker Bell from Peter Pan and Belle from Beauty and the Beast...Tink for short. :)

Oh, and did you notice the little crown I made her for this picture.  

I figure a little princess like her deserves a crown, right? :)

 We ♥ our little Tinker Belle!!

Three Little Kittens

As most everyone who knows me is aware, my family is very animal rescue oriented. We've rescued in many different ways (shelter, rescue, from individuals...even Craigslist, a place I stay away from now). Most of the time it's a case where the animal needs rescue and some type of rehabilitation before finding a new home.

With finances and time becoming more limited, we have been forced to not be as involved in rescuing as we once were. Our family is filled with wonderful rescues and our dedication has to be to our family...including our four-legged members. However, we cannot turn our back on an animal in need if we can help.

That was the case with three little kittens recently. They were born in an industrial area. Mom had several litters at this location and this time the family was getting their walking papers. My husband didn't know what was done with the mother but there were three little kittens left. He was concerned about what would happen to the babies (there's no shelter or animal control where we live) so he called from work and I gave the ok to bring the "little orphans" home.

When they arrived I got out the camera in order to photograph them. What I saw, in interacting with them, were three terrified kittens who were too small to be away from mommy.  (The photos don't even reflect how small, skinny, a little wild/defensive and frightened that they were.)

My daughter immediately clung to the gray one. (Gray cats are her absolute favorite.) 

 While secure in her arms, I noticed that the little one was sticking out her tongue.  I figured it was maybe a nervous reaction.

...But it just kept happening...

...over...

 

...and over again.

I came to realize that this was her special sign of contentment.  Isn't she adorable!?!

So...

Can you guess who found her home with us???  :)

Why I am saying goodbye to photography

(I cannot tell you how many times I’ve written a message like this one so it's time to make things "official.")

When love (or a dream) is involved, costs become clouded. I feel that I’ve been living on that cloud for too long now.

After my oldest daughter moved away, the costs of doing photography for others became more clear. With the mother/daughter bonding element removed, what I saw was many many hours spend catering to my pursuit of photography (studying, research, preparation, emailing, updating, investing resources, editing, etc.). Most of these hours were spent at a computer with my back turned to my family. Many nights I was up so late in order to keep from taking time from my family that I was constantly exhausted. That isn’t the life that I want.

In addition, our family and friends support base has been diminished over the past couple of years. My time became more limited and my shooting opportunities more rare.  I felt myself giving more of myself in life and getting less in return.  After almost 20 years of selfless giving to friends and family in some specific areas of my life, I have found myself surrounded with only my core of loved ones.

So, to be honest, I'm not saying goodbye to photography all together just narrowing my focus in a major way. :)


So what changes am I making? 

As 2014 began, I started working to present my portfolio to a specific agency. I was offered and accepted a contract with that agency in March. I am having to “learn the ropes” but it should offer me the opportunity to shoot things without taking away as much time from my family responsibilities.

At this time, I have decided to reserve my portrait shooting primarily for family. This should still allow me to do what I enjoy without the pressure of satisfying those who are not invested in what I do.

 As a result of this change in focus, I am able to spend less time on the computer (including social media) and more time with those who love me and are present in my life.
As many of you know, I am intensely family oriented. As a mom, a wife and a home school teacher, they deserve the best of me…and they need me more now.

The past couple of years have reinforced things that I hold to be true in my life.
*It’s hard to let go but sometimes holding on is harder. 
*Time is a priceless asset and we can never have enough of it with those who love us (and with those we love). 
*Creativity is a gift. It should be used wisely. 
*Life is about choices and each one comes at a cost…sometimes we just refuse to see the cost. 
*Looking for satisfaction/acceptance outside yourself is only a temporary high. 
*Don’t let that which is most precious to you slip away while you grasp at a dream that may not be yours to hold. 

A big THANK YOU to all those who have supported me…especially my family. I sincerely hope that the images I have done for others have found themselves in homes where they are loved, because I didn’t take lightly the opportunity to capture lasting memories.

I do not rule out returning to shooting for others in the future but now just doesn‘t seem to be my time. I’ve worked too hard for this dream.  It's time to let it go.  I hope my images continue to make people smile.  I hope I’ve made a difference somewhere along the way.
  
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.  ~Unknown

So, with those things in mind, it's off into the sunset I ride... :)

The Importance of The Cake

My youngest daughter has a unique outlook on most things in life. Her birthday is no exception.

When my oldest daughter started having birthdays, I would plan a party every year. When she was young, that meant mostly family. When she was older, that meant for friends. My oldest daughter picked a theme and I designed some decorations and activities for her and her friends.
Then there was the cake. I enjoyed decorating her cakes. Mind you...I am NOT an expert on cake decorating by any stretch of the imagination. It was more about the love. When she was little, I had no money. Therefore, I creatively applied myself to give her decorated cakes and cute decorations. Her parties were then unique. She seemed to enjoy that her parties were different. I hope that was the case.

Then came my youngest daughter. Her yearly birthday celebrations started off the same kind of way...But then it became something else. You see...My youngest daughter's life isn't filled with happily squealing young friends like my oldest daughter's life was. So, that isn't her focus. Her focus isn't even the gifts (although she likes those too). Her focus is the cake.

Like I did my oldest daughter, I would ask my youngest for a theme. She would give me some theme for me to start planning. Early on, she started having an idea what kind of cake she wanted. Every year, she became more detailed about what she wanted. As with my oldest daughter, I poured my love into designing the cake requested.

Finally, her details were an absolute design for what the cake should look like (what kind, icing flavor, theme, what should be included, every little detail). She told me what she wanted and it was up to me to bring her vision into reality. This collaboration became the main focus of her birthday.

She gives me details ~ I incorporate a design ~ and she oversees every detail.

When it's all done, it becomes this visual representation of my love, her ideas and our creativity. I'm looking forward to seeing the final product of where her vision takes us this year. :)

One Home Project Completed

My hubby and I are working on several home improvement ideas at this time. The biggest one being that we are downsizing. We've already given several loads to charity and are still sorting. (Our house is an absolute mess!!)

As my Granny's estate was cleared, I inherited several items. These several small items found places in their new home where they could continue to be appreciated. I enjoyed seeing the items that reminded me of my childhood and my Granny's wonderful taste in decorating take up places in my home.
Then my parents moved from the home that they (as a couple) had always lived...my childhood home. My mom downsized and I inherited more items to find places for in my home. It was almost like my home was becoming more and more special.

Before inheriting the items, my home had been a mix and match. I moved in to my home and brought my stuff. When we married, my hubby added his stuff. Over the years, we'd become a dumping ground of unwanted items, which we happily accepted. Since we didn't have the kind of money to go out and get what we wanted, we accepted what we were given. With my stuff, his stuff, kids stuff, miscellaneous stuff...our small house was getting stuffed!
We had so much that was useful with no real style to the arrangement of anything. Although I worked like crazy rearranging things, I couldn't be satisfied.

But the great thing to happen with my inheritance was that I ended up with items that weren't just functional but I really liked them. I got two lamps. They are beautiful. I would have never purchased lamps because I wouldn't have seen the need to spend the money when I have lights. However, I really like my lamps.
I got some old suitcases. They are probably not something that I'd ever use for the intended purpose but they found a place, with my hubby's antique trunk and suitcase, and became a beautiful stacked arrangement in my living room. An antique sewing machine (which probably doesn't work) became an end table (with one of the lamps on it :) ). Several little decorative items for the wall (which I would never have purchased because I didn't have the excess money) peek out from their places where they fit beautifully into my decor.

Long story but a lot changed and things were moved around...
Then we suddenly found ourselves where we could think about having a dining room table again. (For a few valid reasons, we hadn't had one in years.)
We decided to let the antique theme from the living room spill over into the dining room. We antique shopped until we found a dining set that we liked and had a price that was right. When we brought it home and rearranged that area, there was an empty space on the wall. I tried out several old frames that my hubby had brought home (freebies) over the years. I'd hang them on the wall and debate. Then I found a huge old frame that was stuffed in the back of the closet. I brought it out and hung it. Finally, I found something that I liked. The problem: The images that we were debating on were not ones that we'd want to spend a large amount of money on...and the frame was 24x36!
Then I thought of an image I'd just taken of our daughter. I commented that she looked like a princess. Fancy frame plus my daughter looking like a princess...It was a winner! I saved to get the money to purchase the print. I worked designing the look that I wanted it to have. I repaired the old frame as best I could. I designed the matting that I wanted around the print. I had a vision in mind.

Last night my vision was hung on the wall. :)

My hubby getting a cell pic of our beautiful new wall image.

My vision on the wall.  

(It's picking up more yellow in the upload :(  ...It's really more of a natural black and white but you get the idea.)

Doggie Alarm

All my life I've loved animals. However, my mom didn't allow indoor animals. So, I was forced to endure the heartache of the short lives of outdoor cats. When I moved out, I knew that I would get an indoor cat as soon as I could...And I did!

My love and rescue of cats continued. My mom once asked me what I would do if I met Mr. Right who didn't want indoor pets. I honestly told her that I wouldn't marry him because he wouldn't be Mr. Right if he didn't want indoor pets. (My hubby ended up having an indoor cat when we got married and we merged into a blended family.)

Fast forward to more recent times:
My hubby brought home our first indoor dog years ago. I was not sure what I would think of the experience. I loved it! Especially when I noticed that my insomnia was greatly reduced. I realized that my inability to sleep was being driven by the fact that I felt my family wasn't "protected" if someone wasn't awake. (I had a traumatic childhood event during the night...with everyone asleep).

My dog came from a shelter. I was helping my sister look for a dog to rescue. What I saw upon opening one of the doors was the dog that I had always wanted. I was SO in LOVE!! My sister gifted him to me for my early birthday present. He's my boy!! I jokingly call him the baby boy that my hubby and I couldn't have.

Over the years, we have rescued/fostered many animals. However, our dogs held onto my heartstrings so tightly that I knew they were my own from the moment I saw them. Each dog that we own is a rescue of some form and each one has some type of issues...allergies, fear/anxiety, vision problems, possible hearing issues, etc. Each dog has also woven themselves into our hearts and is a part of us. Each one holds a special place in our hearts.

Today:
Our mailman came to the door undaunted by the "alarm system" that greeted his arrival. (I usually try to watch for him and go outside to meet him at the vehicle in order to avoid him having to go near the door...but today I was too late.) However instead of shying away from the doggie display, he opened the door. He wasn't scared of them. He didn't seem to be offended by them. He was simply helping someone and they let him.

Most people are "put off" by dogs barking at the door. (Honestly, I don't like them doing it myself.) However, you are someone new/different at their door so they announce your arrival. It's not like they don't throw a party when we get home too.

My mom was one of those people who was scared of my dogs. She judges dogs by looks.  My dogs are bigger than my sister's tiny dogs...so when mine bark it is scary for my mom. My mom loves me. Evidently, she can see how much we love our dogs. She put aside her fears and got to know our dogs. Once she got to know them, she could see their individual personalities.

We had few visitors before we got the dogs...which is one reason we couldn't effectively train a better door response (people just avoided visiting; they aren't "dog people"). Now we have almost none. That's OK with us. We aren't living our lives to please others. We love our dogs and our home is their home!

That display that happens when people come to the door disappears. My dogs eat, sleep, play, love! ♥

My dogs provide me with meaningful interaction with a living being that is pure. They provide me with a level of security that I have found in very few human beings. I don't have to question their love, their loyalty, their motives. I can, without reservation, enjoy them for who they are. This pure and loving bond is something that I crave in my life. As an introvert and a deeply loving human being, I can be easily exhausted by the meaningless chatter and superficial friendships of the world. Too many people expect others to be what they want them to be.

My dogs just want to be loved.
No wonder we are so happy together.
We have the same goal...to love and be loved! ♥