What You Don't See

When I first left home and moved to college, it was a huge adjustment on many levels.  One of those was not being a daily part of the life that I had always lived.  I grew up with a very stable home life living in the same house for all my life.  Everything was always the way it had been pretty much.

When I wasn't daily involved back home, I was confronted with a startling fact...My family had lives without me!  Their lives weren't put on pause until I returned! 
OK...I didn't really think that their world would stop without me there.  But, as humans, we tend to forget that people go on living and experiencing when we aren't there to observe it.  It's almost as if we limit a person's life to that part of it which we see.
...And with social media, we sometimes see more than enough!

People invite us into their lives on different levels through social media.  Some people share very little...keeping their life a mystery.  Others share constantly...leaving their lives feeling like an open book.  Still others share only the good times...choosing to face the difficult alone.  We share parties, vacations, food, family, love... Whatever the case, when we share we open a little window into that mysterious part of our lives that may not always have an audience.  Sometimes it feels like we know so much about everyone even if we connect personally very little.

Which brings me to this photo:

When our oldest daughter left for college, our youngest daughter was especially withdrawn during holidays.  After all, holidays have traditions and the traditions in our family weren't the same without the whole family.  (Things being the same is a big deal for her.)

In an effort to get her excited about something, we decided (a few years ago) to dress up and take a themed family photo.  Seeing as how the pets are part of the family, we included them in the theme.

I spent weeks planning costuming for each member of the family...2 adults, 1 child, 4 dogs.  Since we are a poor family, it required more creativity than just buying costumes.  I had to make most of the costumes by hand and piece together the others with what I could find.  What resulted was what we called our epic family photo (at least to us)!  It was so us!

That started a new tradition...Our fall themed-costume family photo! 

The next year we repeated the activity.  We planned for many weeks in order to get all the details the way we wanted.  As the one putting costumes together and shooting the picture, I felt so much pressure to get a result at least close to the "epic photo" of the year before.  (As it turned out, I was satisfied.)

I didn't even got the costuming put away last year before my daughter already had the theme for the next year:  zoo animals.

This year money was even tighter than before.  I started out a few months in advance.  I had 2 adult costumes, 1 teenager, 4 dogs and 1 cat. :)  My daughter had selected an animal character for everyone the year before so now it was my turn to bring those animals to our family photo.  Finding all the scraps of material that I could and purchasing only a few items, I was able to bring together eight costumes and accessory elements for the photo (no costume without at least some handmade element to it).  All on a super-tight budget!  The above photo was the result of our months of planning and creativity.

As I shared the photo on social media, I couldn't help but think about what people didn't see.  Photos, taken at face value, just don't share the complete picture.  When I looked at the photo, I saw so much more than anyone else would see...and those were some of the most important elements to me.

*I see a plan...a year in the making.

*I see a young girl who found a new family tradition that makes her happy.

*I see hours of hand-stitching costume pieces.

*I see months of detailed planning.

*I see my hubby cheering me on.

*I see my daughter's face lighting up with each new thing that I made.

*I see scraping up everything I could so that I didn't have to spend money we didn't have.

*I see looking for the perfect lit location only to miss my timing.

*I see me laying in the floor in agony only a few minutes before this was taken since I had injured two fingers (one with a chunk chopped out of it and us trying to stop the bleeding) due to them getting hurt while moving a prop.  (Yes...That would explain why I missed the light that I wanted.)

*I see lists and sketches and my laundry room filled with costumes.

*I see the secret item added to represent each person's year.  (Mine is the metal chicken that my family got me and I used onstage in a theatrical production early this year.)

*I see our family coming together in fun...smiling and happy.  

*I see love...

While we may find photos beautiful, a lot of times the most beautiful part of it is not what we see with our eyes but what we feel with our hearts!

no handshakes...It's hugs

My daughter doesn’t shake hands. She says that it makes no sense. Even when explained to her, she can’t grasp the concept at all. However, she has learned to like hugs. (Good thing…We are a hugging family! :))
Our congregation has been good to try with our daughter…most especially since I began blogging about our situation. When one of the men of our church congregation (who always tries to get handshakes to no avail) tried today, I told him that he wouldn’t get a handshake but he could probably get a hug. He reached out and sure enough my daughter gave him a hug with a smile. With that, she had a line of two other men waiting happily for their hugs and the ability to feel that connection with my daughter on her level.  

*Happy Momma Moment*

Hello...Is anyone there???

Well, it’s been over a year now…
Over a year since my daughter was recommended for autism spectrum disorder testing…
Over a year…
And still nothing…


Our journey has been a lifetime in the making.  My daughter’s lifetime specifically.  We have been trying to receive an accurate diagnosis for her since she was five years old.

We have received brief moments of hope but mostly it’s been long periods of silence.

We got the recommendation.  We went through the loads of paperwork before we could even be considered for an appointment.  We’ve jumped through the hoops and ended up empty-handed so far.

I am ever thankful to God that we weren’t a family who was naïve enough to place all of our eggs in the basket of the medical community.  If we had, our baskets would be empty.

Instead our daughter was born into a family doesn’t blindly follow.  She was born into a family who will make their own path if the one available doesn’t fit.  She was born into a family that knows how to sacrifice and is willing to do that for the well-being of family members.  She was born into a family of fighters.

With being stated, I have had a lot of emotions as this “anniversary” neared and past.  I am proud of my daughter for not giving up despite how difficult things can get sometimes.  I am glad that I had the foresight not to expect anything.  I’m happy that I’ve spent the last few years (specifically the past year) studying like I was preparing for a college exam learning everything I can myself and not wasting time waiting on help from others (which still hasn’t come). 

I find myself feeling a twinge of pain when I see others getting the help that is so deserved for their children while mine gets ignored.  I get tired of being a fighter sometimes. I feel sad when she struggles more than usual and I can’t do anything else to help.  I feel angry that the system continues to fail us.  I feel exhausted on the bad days.  I feel triumphant on the good days!  I feel so honored yet humbled when I am told that God chose me for this task.  I do not feel worthy.

My opening of this post included the words, “one year…and still nothing…”  That may be what the medical community has offered so far.  But our blessings do not depend on the medical community.

It’s been one year of intense study for me.  It’s been one year of teaching my hubby what I learn.  It’s been one year of applying what I’ve learned with my daughter.  It’s been one year of seeing some positive results from what I’ve learned.  It’s been one year of baby steps (but any step that takes us forward is more than we had the day before).  It’s been a year of bonding (because everything I learn draws me closer to my daughter).  It’s been a year of acceptance knowing that I can only change what I have the ability to change. 

And probably most rewarding, it’s been a year of “big hugs” and “I love yous!”  The unemotional one-sided weak-armed side hugs have been replaced with full-on hugs (bear hugs, if she’s in the right mood).  She can see people reaching out to her and she is responding.  She can feel safe.  She can feel understood.  She can feel loved…not just loved but loved for who she really is.  There is a connection there that I have longed for so long!  I have to say…It’s been a pretty good year! :)

We went from this family photo, where she is visibly uncomfortable...

To this one, where she is fully involved.

Love those BIG Hugs!!

where Motherhood and Christianity collide

Yesterday was a difficult day for me...in my mind.

You see...Yesterday was Youth Day at the congregation where we attend.  A day that celebrated our youth by letting them take over the worship duties of singing, speaking, praying, leading singing...
It was a beautiful thing!

So, you are probably wondering what could be wrong with that.

Well, I've been getting into my own head lately.  Sometimes I simply think too much.

As I watched those precious young people making their parents so proud, I felt a twinge of loss.

I was active in church from a very early age.  I led youth services as the regular teacher before I graduated high school.  I attended a Christian college.  I worked as a youth/children's director for awhile.  I was the one planning VBS, Christian convention trips, dramatic programs, concert trips, youth rallies, youth days and all sorts of activities for the youth of my home congregation.  Working with kids was something that was natural to me and filled my heart.  As I got older, I dreamed of sharing these activities with my own kids.

Unfortunately, when my oldest daughter was a teenager, the opportunities didn't exist.  Fortunately, I had shared memories (such as teen conventions) earlier in her life because I took her with me everywhere I went.

Then my youngest daughter came along.  With several years between the two girls, things were different.  We were no longer attending services at my home congregation.  We had a new home. :)

At first I struggled to find a place.  Then I taught the transitional (between classes and worship) children's lesson.  I had found something that I could do.  I found something that made me feel like I was working for the Lord not just warming a pew.
However, my joy was dampened after awhile by the fact that my sweet daughter wasn't bonding with the other children.  She didn't seem happy.  I struggled to balance my joy and love of teaching children with my concern over my own child.  My mounting concerns eventually took their toll and I resigned my position in order to focus on being a Christian mom to my own child who I could see was struggling.

I encouraged her to participate in youth activities.  I worked to help her feel more comfortable.  I was failing.
Not only was I now not involved or bonding with the youth of our congregation, I wasn't even bonding with my own child.  I felt like a total and complete failure on all levels.

Then my research led me to autism spectrum disorder...specifically, Asperger's syndrome.
Using techniques that I had learned from a doctor and researching like crazy, I began to develop that bond with my daughter that I was missing.  I was thrilled!  There are always ups and downs but I try to concentrate on the positive no matter what.

Back to Youth Day...
Today as I watched the youth, I felt a twinge of loss...a loss of that dream that I had of being that amazing Christian mom who sang specials with my daughters, chaperoned youth trips, shared my love of drama through skits, etc.  I wanted that dream.  I wanted to be that mom who knew the joy of sharing in their child's adventures in Christianity the conventional way I had pictured in my head...But wait!

Here is where my motherhood and Christianity collide.  Here is where the idea in my head meets the reality of where I am.  Here is where I wonder what it would have felt like to live my dream.  Here is where I realize that I'm not following the pattern in my head but rather I'm blazing a new path seeking Him!  (Ok...Maybe "blazing" is too strong of a word but it sounds more powerful than "stumbling through"...and "blazing" certainly lifts my spirits more. :) )  It wasn't that I was feeling loss in the sense of not having something but rather I was feeling lost in that I wondered where we fit in.

I may not be THAT mom (the one in my head), but I am still a Mom who loves Christ.  I am still a Mom who desires to set that good example for my kids.  I am still a Mom who loves, prays for and teaches my kids what is right.  I'm the Mom who loses sleep so I can make sure that my family is safely tucked in before I close my eyes.  I am the Mom who sacrificed my dreams of a photography career in order to be a special education home school teacher.  I am the Mom who has studied so hard (and continues to study) to help my child that sometimes I feel that I should have an extra college degree!  I am the Mom who doesn't give up trying to explain spiritual things to a child who sees everything so literal.  I am the Mom who will keep looking to find opportunities where I can share Christian activities with my child in a way that lets her be who she is so that I don't turn her away from Him. 

I am the Mom who worked for weeks preparing my daughter for VBS this summer.  

For a period of time I got to see this smile...

and my girl participating in activities (and even winning a game of balloon toss)...

Before I saw my girl, go back into herself...

And I realized how much effort that she had put into that day...

I am the Mom who will keep trying.

I am the Mom who will keep celebrating the victories.
I am the Mom who prays that her twinge of loss can be used 
as a spark to be more creative.  
I am the Mom who will keep supporting, loving and giving.

I am the Mom who is so proud of her girl!

I am that Mom!

So, please forgive me when I sometimes am struck with a feeling of loss and don't misunderstand my feelings as anything negative.  I absolutely wouldn't trade my life now for what was my dream.  It isn't that I've lost anything...I've gained so much!  It's just that sometimes in some ways I am still searching to find my place and from time to time I feel a little lost.

Tears, Prayers and Memories

In the early morning hours, waiting on my darling daughter to fall asleep...as has become our lifestyle (thanks to chronic insomnia which even medicines haven't been able to control but that's another story)...I stumbled upon a blog post shared by someone on social media.  The post was about a family facing the birth of a child asking for continued prayers.  As I dug deeper, I found that the family was facing the birth of a child with an extremely low chance of survival according to the "experts."  My heart ached for this young family as they sought to see God's will in their struggles and faced them with prayer.

Then tears and memories came rushing in like crashing waves. 
I remembered carrying the child over which I was now losing sleep.
I remembered her being a night owl even in the womb.  (Her kicks and twists becoming more aggressive while I was trying to rest for the night.)
I remembered choosing her middle name, Hope, for several reasons but mostly because that was what I was holding onto as I carried her during a difficult time in the pregnancy.
I remembered ER visits.
I remembered her early arrival.
I remembered hearing the word "STAT" from the doctor as my warm newborn was hastily put on my stomach so the doctor could deal with complications.
I remembered watching her struggle to breathe before being rushed away by ambulance to NICU at a bigger hospital.
I remembered the compassion of the doctor as he released me reluctantly to be with my baby instead of keeping me to have the blood transfusion as he preferred.
I remembered visiting her in NICU...a machine helping keep her lungs inflated, machines monitoring her, lights helping with jaundice.
I remembered our first Mother's Day...only getting to visit her during visiting hours.
I remembered all the struggles that we both faced with our health issues over the next several months.
I remembered that once I could hold her...I never wanted to let her go.

And, in that moment, with tears flooding my eyes, I said another prayer of thanks.

My daughter started off life struggling just to breathe.  Her life has been a continual line of hurdles to overcome.  However, she isn't alone.  We face each challenge as a family...a praying family.

We have so much for which we are so thankful and I say another prayer of thanks every time I reminded of that fact.

Couldn't Say No

Fifteen years ago, a handsome young man nervously approached me after a Sunday morning worship service. For approximately the next month, I was treated to short conversations with this intriguing gentleman every Sunday and Wednesday. (Unknown to me, the minister had encouraged members to make my mom and I feel welcome...which was just the push this kind stranger needed to talk to me.)

My mom teased that this fine country boy was working up to asking for a date. I quickly dismissed the idea. Even if he was, I wasn't interested in a relationship. As a single mom, I already had my hands full. I didn't need the complications of dating. I was just fine the way I was.
In addition, this good-looking guy wasn't my type at all. He was a country boy. I dated conservatives or musicians (yeah, two ends of the scale). I wasn't into the country scene.
Then there was the issue of him being too young. I was a single mom with a painful past. Why would I young man be interested in that?
I informed my mom that if he did ask, the answer was "no." (I wasn't interested in putting my heart out there just to be broken again.)

On June 21, 2000, after Wednesday night Bible study, the good-looking young man found the courage to ask for that date. He asked to take me and my daughter to the movies. As I opened my mouth to say "no," I heard my voice saying, "yes!" And, as I jotted down my phone number on a scrap of paper, my inner voice was screaming for an explanation of what just happened. (It was like something out of a comedy movie going on in my head.)

One June 23, 2000, we went on a date to see Chicken Run...all three of us.

~ Summer 2000 ~

When he called for a second date, my "no" again turned into a "yes." By this time, I was curious about why I couldn't say no to this new adventure and I opened my mind to seeing where this would lead. From then on, we've been almost inseparable.

I quickly discovered that his attractive exterior covered an even more attractive heart. He was kind, patient, compassionate, understanding, honest, generous, loving and really loved the Lord...just to name a few qualities. I let go of my hang-ups, so (with nothing to hold me back) I fell fast and hard. My heart was overcome with a love that I'd never known. My stomach danced (and still does) with butterflies when I saw him. My eyes twinkled with the look of love (which I'm told they still do. :) )

I felt understood. I felt safe. I felt loved!

I hear women dating losers give the excuse that they don't want to miss Mr. Right. Well, in my experience, I have to say that if you truly follow after God and seek Him above all, He won't let you miss Mr. Right...even if you try. ;)   (But, be honest...Look for Mr. Right not Mr. Fixer-Upper.)

I know what it means to have someone who loves me even when I don't always love myself. I've told him numerous times that I'd rather be poor with him than rich with anyone else...and I mean it! Love is a priceless treasure...a value beyond measure.

I heard someone this past week say that they didn't believe in soulmates. Well, they are welcome to believe what they want, but as for me "...I found him whom my soul loveth..." (Song of Solomon 3:4 KJV)

Faith and Family...My Foundation....

I want my kids to learn from my failure

You’ve probably heard adults speak about what a good example their successes are for their children.

I want to not only be a good example in my successes but in my failures.
That’s right.  I want to be an example to my kids in my failures.

I’ve had various levels of success in my life.  However, I feel that the failures define who I am as much (if not more) as the successes.

One of the most recent failures comes to mind.  After working for many years to have a photography business (working, learning, practicing, etc), I realized that it was time to let go of that pursuit. 

I had to realize that the dream I had wasn’t consistent with the life I was living.  No matter how hard I worked, it wasn’t happening for me on a level that could be considered financially successful.  Life would consider that a failure.  In fact, in some ways, I consider that a failure.  I couldn’t find the success that I was looking to find. 


What could be a positive lesson from that?

1.  Don’t let dreams keep you from happiness.  Sometimes we focus so hard on attaining a dream that we fail to see the happiness that is already surrounding us.  Bottom line: I was chasing my dream and missing out on the happiness that was already mine.

2.  Quitting isn’t always a bad thing.  It is a much greater failure to continue on a path that isn’t good for you.

3.  There are some things more valuable than the world’s view of success.  I have refused to compromise my morals, principles or values to achieve success.  I have refused to compromise who I was to get where I wanted.  Getting where I wanted wouldn’t have been a reward if I had given up who I am.

4.  Sometimes what you want isn’t what is best.  Many times in life I’ve faced what looked like failure only to find out that it was just an obstacle removed in order for me to achieve something better.

5.  Hard work isn’t always the answer.  The world would tell you that if you work hard for something you will get it.  Some “religious” leaders would tell you the same.  If you don’t get it, then you aren’t working hard enough.  I don’t believe that.  Sometimes things just weren’t meant to be.  You might not see the reason at the time but you’ll probably be able to look back in the future and see the benefit.  I’ve been let down in my life by not having a door opened that I worked hard to open only to find out that the next door was something that I hadn’t even thought of and was even better!

6.  Everything costs something.  What are you willing to pay?  I’ve had opportunities where I could have pursued success more vigorously.  However, that would have meant giving up something that I wasn’t willing to give up.  One of the big things to me is family.  I wasn’t going to kill myself pursuing a business only to discover that I had lost all the quality time (weekends, evenings) with my family that could never be recovered. 

7.  Sometimes your plate is too full.  I found myself trying to be successful at so many things that I wasn’t able to give my best to all of them.  Teaching homeschool (with special circumstances), photography, theater, church obligations, studying/learning my daughter’s special needs and how to help by myself, being mom/wife/sister/daughter….It all became too much.  You need to know your limits.  In order to be good at anything, I couldn’t do it all.  I had to retire my Super Woman cape.  And I had to realize that was OK.  Being a better me was better for me.

8.  Always trust God.  When God leads you, go.  He always leads you the right way…even if you don’t understand where you are going.  He will give you the strength/skills/etc. to do what He needs you to do…and sometimes that isn’t what we are trying to do.


So, there it is. 

I was hoping that this post would sound more profound.  But it’s pretty simple. 

I want my children to learn that what looks like failure might be success and what looks like success might really be failure.

If I give up my family for personal success, I’ve failed.
My goal in life is happiness.  I’ve spent my entire life searching for happiness.  It just so happens that happiness to me is probably more simple than happiness to others. 
I don’t have to have the fancy cars, the expensive purses, the designer clothing or a big house.  I don’t have to have the titles after my name or the big paycheck.

I want love.  I want happiness.  I want to give my family the best of me…not what’s left over.  I want to be myself and be accepted for who I am. 

I value God, love, happiness, family and who I am.

If I can’t have these things, I will never have a success that is worth it. 

….And not one of those things can be purchased with money.