PKD: My story

March is National Kidney Month. Yeah, I know...Everything has a month these days. Truth is that donating a month to the awareness of anything is nice but it doesn't do much if you don't have a personal interest in that subject.
Well, this month I do have a special interest due to three letters...PKD.
Don't know what PKD is?  It's polycystic kidney disease.  I don't know of ever not knowing what it is. It has been a part of my life for as long as I remember.

My daddy's dad had it.  He died in his thirties leaving my three year old dad and his siblings without a father.  Of course, I never knew him.
My daddy was diagnosed and told that he would have to slow down.  You see, it is believed that the disease progresses similar in relatives.  My daddy's didn't.  He showed them!  He didn't let his disease overcome him but rather fought through the difficulties.  He eventually had to go on dialysis.  A few years ago, he was blessed to receive a kidney transplant.

For as long as I remember, I have had to take care of my kidneys.  The problems started when I was a very small child.  I ended up being subjected to constant tests, medicines for years, frequent specialist/doctor visits, a couple of hospital visits...all before I was in the middle of elementary school.  I don't remember a time when I felt normal. 
Things got better.  I graduated high school and went to college without much difficulty.  I excelled in school and graduated with honors.  I had a dream of success and I set out to conquer the world my way!

After school, I moved away from home a few states away...Big mistake, but a learning experience.  During that time, I was hospitalized.  It was guessed that I developed a kidney infection from drinking water that my body was accustomed to consuming.  During that hospital stay, I was told that my kidneys looked clear...no PKD.  Since I was in my 20s, if it was going to show, it should have shown by then.  I felt a sigh a relief.
Life went on.  I had a daughter, moved back home and started a new life.  Although I continued to care for my kidneys (it was almost routine at this point), I lived under the impression that I wouldn't have to face the ugliness of PKD in my own body.

I met and married the man of my dreams...literally, but that's another story! ;)  Then a few weeks after we were married, a doctor's visit for side pain turned my life upside down.
I knew there was something wrong by watching the face of the examiner.  I've learned to read faces when I go for tests.  The human face finds it harder to conceal things than does silence of the lips.  Without a word, I could see something wasn't right. 
I was right.  Once the doctor saw the film, she asked me if I knew about polycystic kidney disease.  There it was...those three letters: PKD!  Of course, I knew.  I felt hostility every time I heard the words...those letters.  But this time the hostility was joined by hurt and numbness.
I remember coming home to my hubby of only a few weeks and crying.  I just kept crying.  Crying because of the shock.  Crying because I had my little girl to care for.  Crying because I didn't want my hubby and my daughter to live with the constant heaviness that those three letters represented in my life.  Crying because it was the only thing that I could bear to do.  ...And he just held me...
At least my lifestyle was already pretty PKD-friendly, so I didn't have to alter much there.  I simply had to accept what I couldn't change and pray that God would help me.  I thought that having PKD was the worst.  It makes me feel like a ticking time bomb.  It makes me have to work at controlling everything I do or consume.  It was more mentally heavy at the time than anything.

Unfortunately, my nightmare would continue to get worse.  When my daughter was in the 6th grade, she was diagnosed with PKD.  Now that tore my life apart.  It's one thing to know the heaviness of an incurable disease.  It's another to deal with the overwhelming guilt of passing that own to someone that you love without all your heart.  The next weeks and months were torture.  I won't go into details but it's hard to help someone accept something that you have a hard time accepting yourself.

I wish I could end this by telling you that everything is all better now...but I can't.  PKD is still there.  It still has no cure.  It fills me with a smaller level of hostility...but, to be perfectly honest, the hostility isn't gone.  Those three letters have been a dark cloud in my life by threatening the lives of those I love and even my own.  I don't think a love of PKD would be possible.  It's a terrible disease and I want to see it gone!!  But I have developed a tolerance. 
I live with PKD.  Did you get that...I LIVE with PKD.  While it may dictate some things that I do in life, it doesn't rule my life.  I make the choice to cooperate with PKD to make the most of the life that I have.  After all, God created me.  So, He knows what is best for me.  And with Him running my life, I'll do the best that I can.  As the years progress, I have to continue to make modifications but I am thankful that I have the time to make them. 
I don't know what the future holds.  I've been told that my disease should mirror my dad's...But that didn't happen in his case....And I'm a GIRL (big difference on the internal design all you high paid specialists!!).
It has taken me over 12 years to share this story.  But I am convinced that if you don't see a person behind the cause that it doesn't mean as much.  So, here I am!  A face of PKD!  A mom, a wife, a friend, a person...a fighter!  So, take that PKD!!!

To learn more about PKD, visit the Polycystic Kidney Disease Foundation at http://www.pkdcure.org

Being real

I visited here for the first time in a very long time today. You see, I've actually been thinking about blogging again. Sometimes getting all those thoughts out of your head is somewhat of a therapy. I've been spending time over at Facebook for lots of reasons. It's such a quick fix. But sometimes I just want life to slow down for a few minutes. I want to stop and smell the pretty flowers...not to mention photograph them. ;)

I'm currently in the middle of making some pretty dramatic (for me) changes in my life. A lot has changed in the past year. I somehow feel that it has made me a more selfish person...But I think that's a good thing.
Sometimes sacrifice can lead to people not appreciating and/or taking advantage of you. Maybe I'll post more about that later...

The most notable event of my year (and a large part of my life) was the loss of my Granny in September. While the United States was remembering another somber anniversary of a very dark day in US history, I was remembering a wonderful woman who meant so much to my life in so many ways. I was remembering summer vacations at Papaw and Granny's house. I was remembering times when Granny came to the rescue with her generosity even when I never asked. I was remembering a woman who showed the definition of kindness. Even writing this and recalling what a beautiful person that she was, tears roll down my face...I still miss her so badly.
I cry with sadness because I miss her. I cry with happiness because I was so blessed to have her in my life. I cry with hope that I could someday have an ounce of her wonderful spirit. I cry with uncertainty because sometimes I feel so lost. I cry because I have so much emotion that I have to do something.

I bring that up because I think that's a huge reason why I want to make changes in my life. I want to make my life more meaningful. Ever since I was three, my life was about performing for others. I started with singing...then competitions, acting, scholarships, college, acknowledgements, awards, etc. I have trophies, ribbons, certificates, degrees, titles, etc. to my name. Yet, all of those things are only temporary. Their glory soon fades and then a performer is left looking for the next big thing. The constant need to do something more leads to a lot of emptiness when your accomplishments cannot be seen. It leads to a lot of discontent as you always feel the need to prove yourself. Why? Because in your mind that is what defines you.

My Granny wasn't defined by her awards, her job, her titles or anything else. She was defined by her character. The true essence of who she was shined through everything else. Yes, she loved attending high school basketball games with her friends. Yes, she showed her strength as a single mom when her young husband died leaving her with three kids to raise. Yes, she loved her God and her congregation. Yes, she loved her family and helping others. But what was her reward for all of that? She was loved! Sometimes we work too hard trying to prove ourselves to the world that we don't realize that all that stuff is gone so quickly. The people who really care are the people who simply love us. We don't have to impress them. We simply have to return the love. In doing that, we are giving the greatest reward on this earth.

I John 4:18 says "...for God is love."

It's not about the awards, the degrees or any other credit that we can add to our worldly list. It's about being love. If there's one thing that I know about my Granny, she loved! She loved those around her and it showed. She didn't have to impress them. She didn't have to let others take advantage of her. She just loved.

I would love to know how she balanced that with seeming flawlessness. She seemed to always do everything with a flare of ease and elegance. I could use more of her graciousness and beauty.

This post didn't go where it started.  But it is what it is...My thoughts at this moment.  Me...Real and exposed.  It doesn't have to impress or win any awards, right?  And that's just fine. :)    

This beautiful flower was one of the flowers from my Granny's funeral...It's sweetness brought out more in this photo surrounded by the harsh texture of the lifeless stump.

BetterPhoto winner

No matter where I go with my photography, I never leave my first online home. I've mentioned several times that BetterPhoto.com is where I got my start in seriously learning photography. That site inspired me to want more from my photography and dream bigger! (My BetterPhoto gallery)
BetterPhoto has always been a special place to me because of the memories that I have and friends that I have made...several of which that I've gotten to meet in real life.  Although I don't compete as frequently as I did, I do try to enter an image every now and then.  I was even fortunate enough to have a 2nd place winner in the animal category in July!  :)

pit stop ~ BetterPhoto 2nd place winner (animals)

Learning is pleasurable but doing is the height of enjoyment. (Quote by - Novalis)

project shoot

Themed photo shoots are a chance for my creative mind to go wild. This photo project was a creative response to the book, "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks."  From the time that I was presented with the idea, I started becoming excited about it.  However, I didn't realize how much that I would enjoy the finished product until I saw it with my own eyes.  I am honored to have been a part of this project.

So Real

Kidney disease has always been a part of my life.  I have always been aware through a kidney disease that affects my family.  In fact, I don't remember any time in my life when I didn't know about Polycystic Kidney Disease.  (I won't go into details of PKD since you can easily do a search and find plenty of information if you are interested.)

As part of learning about the disease, the possibility of a kidney transplant being necessary is a very real possibility.  At times, that possibility has seemed so far away.  This week transplant became a real part of my life as my loved one received a kidney.  I am so thankful to the donor!
Throughout this process, I have been so overwhelmed that it is hard to form coherent thoughts.  This post is evidence of that fact.  It seems so unreal...like a dream that keeps on going...but a good dream. :)

hospital visit - outside the elevator door

three's a charm

It's turning into one HOT summer here!  Hope y'all are enjoying the heat...or perhaps the AC?

For those of you who know me, you know that I have a huge love of animals.  The unconditional love that a pet provides is something special...and I think my pack is pretty special! ♥
We have just recently added the little one.  He has been in my family (one of the surprise babies born to my sister's rescue).  He was given to my granny, cared for by my parents, returned to my sister and has finally found a home with my crew.  Ironically, he was my "pick of the litter" when he was born but I couldn't take him at the time.  I like to think of it as he took the long road around and finally made it home!  :)

Thanks to my hubby for the pic! :)

my opinion on photography shopping

It never occurred to me until today how much photography is like shampoo. Yes…shampoo.
I recently purchased shampoo. I was satisfied with what I had been using so I didn’t even consider the other bottles, I simply grabbed my choice and left.
Before my satisfaction with that shampoo, I had to “shop” for a shampoo. I mean, really shop. I had a list of goals for my shampoo to meet.
So, what does that have to do with photography. Simple. My goals were arranged by priority to try to assure my maximum satisfaction with the product. Photography should be all about maximum satisfaction. Your memories deserve to be captured in a way that makes you most happy!

My number one priority in shampoo was style/type. There are shampoos for all kinds of hair types (dry, frizzy, color-treated, etc.). By looking first at specifically what effect I wanted from the shampoo, I could automatically eliminate many unnecessary options.
There are many styles of photography (studio, location, lifestyle, etc.). By simply knowing what you want, you can eliminate some of the options. While there are many talented photographers in all of these areas, if you want maximum satisfaction, you have to choose what photographer’s images make you most happy. Even if you have to pay more for these services/products, you will be more happy if you go with what you really want.

Next, I looked at my price range. Notice I said “range”…not just price. If “cheap” is your only consideration, you have plenty of options to easily compare.
I didn’t want the cheapest product. I wanted a certain level of performance to give me more satisfaction. My price range left room for flexibility in my selection. I had the freedom to go up or down the price scale. I even had the option of increasing my range for a better deal. :)
A lot of people get stuck on this point with photography. Photographers raise your hand if you have gotten the “how much do you charge?” email. (OK…I wish you could see all the hands that just flew into the air.) The real question that should be considered goes beyond a simple number. What do you want? What’s your price range? What can you get that will satisfy you most within that range? If you can find a better deal, will you extend your range? If price is all you base your photography decision on…Get a camera. You can pictures with a camera. Not what you were looking for? Then maybe you should weigh the value of the price and not just the number.
[Hint: If you break it down, most “school photographers,” with their generic five second shot of your kid, will charge you as much as some custom photographers. They simply give you “packages” to make you not look at the individual cost. I compared my daughter’s school pictures and could always find a better deal in photography with a better price.]
Would I pay more for images of my kids if I valued the photographer’s talent? Absolutely! And, I have!
Not all shampoos are created equal…Just as not all photographers are created equal. You have to decide what matters to you!

Shampoos advertise their advantages and market toward the customers that they want. Photographers advertise their advantages and market toward the customers that they want. Sounds a lot alike.
Now here is where shampoo and photography are different…
Unless someone you know has used the shampoo, then you will be taking a somewhat blind chance on the quality. However, photographers share the images (usually all over the web). At least you can get some idea of the quality that you are getting. Unfortunately, many people do not know how to determine quality in photography.
Here’s a hint: It is neither the lady with the fanciest camera or the guy with the longest lens. Sure those things may be impressive but they are not always what they seem. While shooting wildlife with fellow photographers, people often wander by and are impressed with the length of a lens…or the size of a lens…thinking that the bigger the lens, the closer the shots. Truth is…My more impressive looking lens actually has less zoom. It is the quality of the lens that makes it more impressive not the distance.

In other words…It’s not what’s on the outside but what’s on the inside that counts!
Some photographers shoot for a paycheck. Some photographers shoot the same way over and over with no changes or individuality in their images. Then, some photographers put lots of creativity (time, talent and TLC) into each of their images.
Photography is an art form to that last group of photographers…not just the snap of a shutter or a buck in the pocket. Basically, they care deeply about you and your images. They spend hours making sure that the images are worthy of their stamp of approval.
They don’t want you to have just a reflection of the outside of you…They want to know who you are and capture that emotion in their images. They don’t want you to simple see an image…They want you to feel the image.

I can tell you all day how talented someone is but if you don't see it or (probably more importantly) appreciate it, then their talent is wasted on you.  I can try to impress you with my titles, awards and publications, but if you don't know the value of those, they are meaningless words.
Just like the old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink."  I can show you beauty but I cannot force you to feel the beauty of it.
 

May all your images be filled with LOVE and YOU!!! :)